Weeks 32, 33 and The Big Cheat.

When I made the decision to blog my weight loss journey, I promised to be honest along the way. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve dieted before but I’ve never shared my experience like this, and that’s been, at times, really hard to do. It’s not an easy thing opening up about your successes, your failures, your blips along the way and all of the emotions that come along with them. But I’ve been doing it, and will continue to do so until I reach my goal weight. (Which I really still don’t have, outside of it needs to start with the number one).

So …. the big cheat.

Another two weeks have flown by and there’s been A LOT going on in my world. Some of my littles are dealing with some really major stuff, which just about kills me, especially since I can never talk about it and just get it all out there. My new business is set to launch and in working so hard on it, my Fibro chose to have a massive flare-up and my hands swelled up to twice their normal size. I’ve got some personal issues going on in my life that I’m trying to work through and or walk away from. I’m helping my family with a bunch of stuff, and overall, life is just crazy. Just like it is for most of us, all the time, so excuse my whiny list of excuses and justification for bad behaviour. LOL.

We had booked a week away with all the kids, but at the last-minute, they all decided that they just wanted to stay home and work or hang out with friends. So, we sold our week away to another big foster family and decided to stay home. After some chatting, the husband and I decided to just leave our party pooper children at home and ran away by ourselves. We chose to head south of the border and do a bunch of Christmas shopping and buy me some much-needed clothes. We went to Target, my happy place, drank Starbucks and wandered around in the peace and quiet. It was glorious.

It was also 4 days of me not caring about what I was eating. I ate when I was hungry, and ordered what looked good. I skipped a couple of meals because, frankly, there was shopping to be done. I had a #PSL, more than once and it was good. So good. I didn’t eat a single salad.

I gained 11 pounds.

I came home very happy and refreshed, but also very bloated and more sore than I’ve been in a very long time. The trip was an epic failure in the “get April healthy” journey but it was also very encouraging and exciting at the same time and this is why.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t obsess about what I was putting in my mouth. Not in a bad way or a good way, I just ate. I also didn’t, not even once think that I should just go crazy and eat anything and everything because I’ve already screwed up my food for the day. Food didn’t control me. In fact, it was just food and nothing more.

For me, that is HUGE. I have been terrified of what would happen when I opened the doors and ate something that wasn’t on my weight loss plan. Would I completely fall off the wagon and go backwards, like I always have? Would I choose to eat 47 cookies instead of the 1 that I was craving? Would I say Screw it, this is hard. There are things that taste better than skinny feels. Would I feel like I failed yet again?

I don’t feel any of these things. I am home, I’m back on track and I’m continuing on my journey. I still have close to 100 lbs to go, so this story will be a very long one, BUT I am so encouraged to know that I AM GETTING BETTER. My brain is changing. My heart is changing. I am changing.

So as epic of a failure this past week was, it was exactly what I needed.

This journey is so much more than just sheer will and a desire to change. It’s about recognizing my weaknesses, figuring out how to change them and celebrating when it actually occurs. It’s about not letting a bad choice, or in this case, about 11 of them, derail me and send me reeling.

It’s about Losing myself and finding me, in so many ways.

Now back to the plan and the protocol, because 100%, without question, this is working.

Thank-you Coach for helping me along this far and please don’t be too mean to me after you read this blog. 😉

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 30, 31 and The Big Nothing.

I’ve been so stinking busy that I forgot to write, not for one week but for two weeks in a row. It’s been non-stop appointments, sick kids, and the starting of a new business. (Which has been a total hush, hush project by they way). It’s been a lot, to put it mildly.

A year ago, being this busy would’ve been almost more than I could’ve bared, but here I am. Busy and not needing to go and collapse on a couch. I think that alone is my success for the month.

I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and I still have the energy to do a little bit more.

When I started this whole weight loss journey, this is what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel like a human being that wasn’t sitting on deaths door. It took 31 weeks and the loss of 65 pounds for me to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something significant.

You don’t really understand what chronic pain, the unknown and fear does to a person, until it’s pretty much gone.

This is a really nice place to be.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A whole lotta nothing … and the best kind of nothing ever. No pain. No Dr. Death feeling. No anything. I’ve never been a happier loser before.
  • Loss of a couple more pounds.
  • An almost ready to launch business
  • A new vehicle.

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 29 and Reclaiming the Power in Numbers

Having been a fat person for my entire life, I’ve had the pleasure of discussing my weight with a number of people. Not necessarily sharing the actual number but listening to people guess my weight, hearing them guess the weight of other people, or having them tell me what they weigh. It’s almost always a very enlightening and interesting conversation.

It seems like weight, or the size of a person, or what a person looks like creeps into a conversation more often than people even realize. Think of when you’re out at a restaurant and a larger person walks in, do you notice, do you comment, do you make snide remarks when you see a dessert being carried to their table? Or when the smallest person at the table makes a comment about how fat they look or feel that day, and everyone else speaks up and says, No you’re not. Or when you talk about your diet, and how you need to lose 20 lbs or you wish you could go back to the size you were before you had kids. These thoughts, and conversations are always happening. Usually not in a malicious way, but they are happening.

It’s these conversations that bring that horrible number to mind. Hearing people comment on weight or what someone weighs and knowing that they aren’t even remotely close drives me crazy. How do I know that? Because in all these years, and all these moments, no one has ever come close to guessing what I weigh. I’ve always wondered if they were just trying to be polite, so they said a lower number, so today I put that theory to the test.

I shared my before picture with my Facebook friends and family and asked the question, What do you think I weigh in this picture? The results have been very enlightening.

There was a spread of over 145 lbs in all the guesses. They ranged from 210 pounds to 355 pounds, which, thankfully, has proved the point that I was hoping to make.

THE NUMBER DOESN’T MEAN DIDDLY SQUAT.

It is almost impossible for a person to look at you and actually know what you weigh, yet we get so caught up in that number that it can consume us. It becomes this literal weight that holds us down or limits us from believing we can ever change. It becomes this thing that we hate or a measurement that determines our worth on a day-to-day basis.

For example, look at this picture. All of these ladies weigh the exact same, and yet none of them are shaped like another one. And in fact, we would probably guess all of theirs weights at something different just by looking at them.

   Image Source

We cannot get so caught up in what the scale is yelling at us as it’s nothing more than a number. We have to stop worrying what people think or see when they look at us because their eyes see what they want to anyways. We need to look at our friends and family and see them as our loved ones and not as a shape. We need to not assume that we know what’s going on inside someone’s body or head or heart based on what they look like. We need to read this and recognize that we have no idea sometimes, and then just leave it at that.

And as for me, well, no one guessed my weight correctly. So here it is friends … how far off were you??

As I look at these numbers, I can say with certainty that I will keep working on losing weight and getting myself to a lower number on the scale. But what I won’t be doing is letting that stupid number tell me or anyone else that I’m not good enough, that I have to be something better, or that I am not worthy.

Instead, I will focus on being healthy and happy and no longer worry about how much space I take up in the world. I will look at the number on the scale and use it as a measurement to keep myself on track and not allow it to be anything more that that. I own that number now, it no longer owns me.

I may still have a number attached to me, but don’t you dare use that number to try and sum me up. Guaranteed my value is at least triple what the scale is saying. Never forget that.

What did this week bring me?

  • The entrance into the 200’s, a number range that I haven’t visited in a long time.
  • A fabulous weekend of fun with my husband celebrating our 24th Wedding Anniversary
  • The realization and acceptance that I do, in fact, need to go buy pants.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 28 and Finding Joy in the VEEERRRY Long Journey

I’ve been feeling a little whiny and annoyed this week with this whole, stupid weightloss journey.

I’ve been having massive cravings for cake frosting, not cake, just frosting. I’m starting to get a hate on for water and cucumbers and celery. Well, celery is an eternal hatred but its getting stronger. I feel like going out for a big fancy fondue meal would be pretty much the most perfect thing ever, but only the bread and cheese and chocolate and cheesecake part of the meal. And pumpkin spice lattes, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m hating Fall at the moment. Not the season but my lack of #PSL goodness.

It’s taking FOREVER to reach the end of this journey, which I’m fairly confident will be a forever one, which is a whole other kind of scary. I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much. I bounce between being okay with being fat and wanting to not be. I get mad at myself for letting it get as bad as it did, and then not really caring all that much that it did. Overall, my head is fairly messed up and upside down at the moment.

So, I turned to the place of knowledge and opinions, ie. Facebook, for some encouragement and found exactly what I needed. Many of my friends and acquaintances have lost weight so I asked them to share their milestones and celebrations from their weightloss journey’s. Their words opened my eyes and helped me to see things a little bit clearer.

Here’s some of their stories.

My SIL Charlene loved feeling comfortable with her shirt tucked into her jeans after her 40lb loss.

Being able to cross my legs – Jennifer

Stacey was thrilled to be able to shop in a store that wasn’t for plus sizes.

Zita was encouraged by milestones, like 10lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs, but achieving a 100lb loss was her mind blowing moment.

A few people shared that it was their progress pics that helped them keep going.

My brother Colin was thrilled to be able to do 25 sit-ups in a row.

When Sarah hit a healthy BMI and entered One-derland on the scale.

These were just some of their a-ha moments, and I’ve experienced quite a few of them. But after some thought, I’ve come up with a few more of my own.

I’m now able to sit in the chairs in waiting rooms, without feeling like the chair is about 17 times too small for my butt and that I’m going to be stuck in it forever.

When I go out for dinner, to eat my salads, I can fit in a booth without the table touching me.

I can see my feet, and I have ankles. Oh, and my size 11 feet seem to be shrinking. Hallelujah.

I have less of me in the way when I pick things up off the floor or tie my shoes.

It’s these moments that I need to take note of. Not the way off in the distance end results that I’m aiming for. Not the things that I’ve given up. Not the things that I’m craving. It’s these things that remind me of why I began and how far I’ve come. How far all of us on this journey have come.

It’s about Baby Steps people. Baby Steps.

What did this week bring me?

New pants that were FOUR sizes smaller.

5 people in my house got the Flu, and I DIDN’T! That is a massively big thing as I used to get sick at the drop of a hat.

I tried a bunch of new types of food … some were nasty, some were good. But I tried them, so that’s a success.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

Loss, Pain and Thanksgiving.

The world around me has been filled with a lot of tragedies of late, and it’s becoming a struggle figuring out how to process all of them. There’s the obvious shock and grieving that happens in these circumstances, but there’s also the learning, the teaching and the love that must follow them.

It’s about finding the proper words to comfort the families that have experienced the loss. It’s helping your kids navigate their feelings of not really understanding and helping them figure out what comes next. It’s learning how to say goodbye and trying not to forget. It’s allowing yourself to be sad and broken. It’s figuring out how to move forward without these people in your life. It’s all of these and so much more.

This weekend, I lost a friend in a tragic car accident. 3 young children lost their mother. One of my good friends lost her son in a another tragic accident. My son’s best friend, lost his brother. The loss of these two amazing people will cause ripples of grief that will run far and wide, leaving all of us wishing we could go back and spend more time with them. That we would all get another moment to tell them how much we cared about them, and that we’d ensure that they really, really knew that. We are all asking the questions and wondering why? Why them? Why did this happen? Why is this happening? How is this fair? But we’re asking questions that will never have an answer, and yet, we will be stuck asking them for quite awhile.

We are constantly surrounded by loss and it becomes this thing that we get used to. It becomes a part of the circle of life and we all just keep moving on, in spite of it. We don’t recognize how important these relationships and circumstances are until they’re completely flipped upside down or are forever taken away. It’s sad…sad that we don’t take them to honour them until we no longer have the option.

But what about other kinds of loss and grieving, how do we work through them and live in the here & now?

Today, I had another friend go to a hospital and take a baby away from a Mother that just doesn’t have the ability to parent. She has lost all of her babies, but she is still a Mother that has suffered a deep loss. My friend is grieving for a Mom that will never know the joy of being a parent, while celebrating the gift of life. She loves this baby and this Mama, and it’s a pain that not many of us will ever be able to comprehend.

I have a family member that is deeply hurt and broken, and I don’t know how to help her. I don’t know how to help her heal and either move on or come home or whatever else that would bring her happiness. She’s also suffered a huge loss and has been grieving for a very long time. How can you help repair grief that runs so deep?

I have another friend that has walked away from her family because it was toxic and just not a good situation to be a part of, and she is still grieving years later. She chose to walk away, but she still longs for something that was or should’ve been. It’s much healthier and safer for her this way, but it still really hurts.

I have children that cry daily, or weekly for years and years as they grieve the family that they know they will never return to. These people are alive but are just out of reach and it hurts so badly. In their grief, they are also dealing with the guilt of being happy in their new lives as they don’t want to dishonour where they came from. It’s a horrible and awful thing to have to watch, and I can’t even pretend to know the best way to help them through it.

These situations aren’t usually how we think about grief but they affect us just as deeply and help shape the life we are trying to live right now. We have to acknowledge these moments and take the time to navigate them. These people need us right now.

I think that as we spend this Thanksgiving weekend with our friends and family that we take a minute to remind ourselves of how precious life really is. Do not wait until someone dies before you think to tell them how important they are to you. Don’t wait until the relationship is completely destroyed to show them some compassion. Don’t wait until someone walks right out of your life before you take the time to try and repair it. Don’t look at a situation and assume you know everything and judge someone so harshly that you can’t ever go back.

Use this time RIGHT NOW to honour each other.

If you can fix it, fix it.

If you can’t, find a way to help everyone get healthy closure so you can all move on in peace.

If you can lend a helping hand to get someone back on their feet, lift them up.

If you need to forgive someone, do it.

If you need to walk away from someone or something, walk away without leave a damaging trail.

If you haven’t told your most favourite people how much you love them, tell them.

If you don’t understand someone’s choices, that’s okay. You can still be there for when they need you.

If you need to just stand by someone and be present so they feel safe, do that.

If you need to grieve, allow yourself to do exactly that.

If you see a Mom really struggling, don’t judge her. Love her, help her, lead her or walk away.

Our lives would not be the same without our people, take the time to appreciate them for all they bring into your world, even if it’s only to teach you a lesson.

I am so thankful for many things in my life right now, some of them are good and some of them are not so good, but they’ve all become a part of my story. Thankfully, I have the ability to rejoice with the good and repair the not so good. That is what I’m thankful for today – that I’m alive to make these choices.

Choose well friends, tomorrow is NEVER promised.

Rest well Steff and Luke, you will be deeply missed and never forgotten. xoxox

Week 27 – The Week of Results with Pictures. Gah.

Well … I’m about half way through my year long journey and figured that it was time to share some pics and stats. I’m not overly thrilled about sharing because well, I’m not a fan of pictures of myself, but it’s time.

We’ll start with Weightloss, Measurements and some other numbers.

I HAVE LOST:

54lbs

5.75″ off my chest

2.75″ off my bicep

7″ off my waist

5.25″ off my hips

3.75″ off my thigh

BMI is down 5.8 points

Body Fat is down 6.59%

Blood Pressure went from 153/72 to 125/72

I have completely come off of Iron supplementation and daily pain medicine. I can walk up and down my stairs without getting winded. I can kinda/sorta paint my own toenails, if I wanted to but that’s what salons are for. I can’t wear pants without a belt, but I haven’t bought a belt yet, so I spend a lot of time hiking my pants back up when I walk. I can see my feet.

And now for pics … at first I didn’t see too much of a difference, and then I realized that I could see more of the white cabinet behind me, so I’m calling that a win.

There you go, half way in and a long way from the finish line, but I’m still going and that’s better than I usually do.  🙂 Woot, Woot.

Thanks for following my journey and encouraging me along the way … this is ridiculously hard to do, and you’ve all helped me in some way or another. High-Five Friends. xoxoxo

 

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

 

The Smirk.

She’s sitting there, looking at me with eyes filled with tears and a smug grin that just will not leave her face. It’s this grin that is almost always my undoing. It’s not the screaming, or yelling or foot stomping, it’s the smirk.

The kicker is that I know it doesn’t actually mean anything, she’s not actually laughing at me or trying to be disrespectful. It’s just what she does when she’s upset and nervous, but I still have a hard time ignoring it.

It truly isn’t her issue, it’s mine. It’s me letting a look control my behaviour and that’s the real problem here. I’m letting the situation best me, and I’m the one losing out.

But that’s the joy of parenting teenagers. Getting past their quirks and tough shells while allowing them the freedom to be their own person. It’s allowing them to have an opinion while still maintaining our role of parent and disciplinarian. It’s figuring out how to be their friend but not their best friend. It’s not getting wrapped up in the eye rolls, the nervous giggles and the ridiculous smirk. It’s about picking your battles and recognizing what really matters and that sometimes, what’s important to you may not actually matter to them at all. AND being okay with that. It’s giving them freedom even though it just about kills you. It’s taking that freedom away when they’ve done something so incredibly stupid that you question how they came from your loins. It’s the moments when you see the worst of you being acted out by your child and realizing that, oh crap, I’m looking in a mirror. It’s hormones, training bras and periods and body hair and angst. And the talk. Oh the talks, why do we have to have so many of them, over and over and over again? Why don’t they just get it the first time? It’s watching them change before your eyes and knowing that they’re struggling and that you just have to watch and hope for the best.

It’s being able to shut your mouth and walk away without saying something you’ll regret. It’s hiding in your bathroom to have a good cry when you’ve reached the end of yourself. It’s sitting on the deck with a glass of wine and thanking your lucky stars that they’ve finally gone to bed. It’s calling your best friend on the phone and congratulating each other for surviving another day with a teenager.  It’s learning to let go of the parent you used to be and allowing yourself to become something completely different. And most importantly, it’s recognizing that it’s okay to be a complete and total failure sometimes and STILL be a good Mom.

And just before you’re about to crash, it’s important to refocus your eyes and look past all the crap and SEE your kids. Really see them. They’re changing and turning into something so amazing. They’re becoming adults with opinions and desires and wants. They’re discovering who they are and who they want to be. They say the most hilarious things and make you almost cry with laughter. They’re dumb and ridiculous but they’re so stinking cool at the same time. They are the best of you and the worst of you. They are so smart and understand things that we never will. They are unique and weird. They are sponges soaking up the world around them, and trying to figure out how to filter what they don’t want. They are determined and vigilant and so very brave. They are yours.

Don’t get so caught up in the crap and nonsense that you miss out on all the good stuff. The good and the bad, it’s all a part of their story, and trust me, you don’t want to miss out on any of it.

Don’t let the smirk do you in.