Week 41. The No Good, Awful, Horrible Week

My kickstart, getting things back in order week started off beautifully. I did food prep, set up alarms and food diaries and my phone, sorted out my vitamins and got things started. I had 2 days of eating exactly how I’m supposed and was on track.

And then it happened, I threw up. For the next 18 hours. For almost 5 days, I lied on the couch riding out the glorious sickness that is Norwalk. I’d love to say that it’s a fabulous way to lose weight, but it’s so incredibly awful and horrible, that weightloss isn’t even a consideration. I was more focused on not dying than stepping on a scale. LOL.

Just when I thought, all was good and I could get things going again, one of my kids came up from the basement and said “I went downstairs and my socks are all wet now”. Gah.

I went to the basement to discover that our septic system has backed up into our playroom and gym. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry as I stood there in the muck while I madly texted my husband to COME HOME NOW.

Thankfully, my children provided the distraction that I so desperately needed when someone proclaimed, “So you’re telling me that this is poop water”. Oh the laugh we had when the child that had discovered the flood, realized that he had poopy water on his socks and he started heaving and laughing/crying. Oh how I needed that laugh as I surveyed that wet and stinky mess.

That moment started a chain of phone calls to electricians, insurance adjuster and disaster clean-up people. It was workers coming into our home at midnight to survey damages and start cleaning. It has been a non-stop flurry of activity and work crews, but what it hasn’t been is order and focusing on my health. As usual, survival mode and just getting through took over and my desire to eat vegetables flew out the window with all of my basement flooring.

I’m starting to feel like the Universe doesn’t want me to get back on track and complete this journey that I’ve put myself on. I get motivated, and then boom here’s a wall. And then, woot, survived another obstacle and them, boom, here’s another speed bump in my way. I know it’s life and that there will always be bumps and lumps and things in the way, but I need to figure out how to take care of me while I ride them out.

I have no problem taking care of the problem, or the kids or the friends that are going through it with me, but I just cannot figure out how to take care of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suffering mentally or feel like I’m falling apart and can’t handle it. But what I get caught up in, is putting all of my time and energy into helping others and forgetting that I need to eat, take my vitamins, drink water, go for a walk. All of that, literally, leaves my brain. It will be 7pm, I’ll have a wicked headache, and I’ll realize that all I’ve had to eat that day is a protein shake.

I really need to get a handle on this, or I’m going to be floundering forever. So friends, how do I do this? How do I find the strength, or maybe it’s desire to put myself first? How does one find the time to do all they need to do for themselves on TOP of what they’re already doing for others? How do I finally find myself?

I’ve always said that losing weight and getting healthy is more of a re-wiring of the brain as opposed to just eating better. I know that I obviously need to eat for nutrition and not just for pleasure, I need vegetables over sugar, I need less crap and more goodness BUT I also need to shut off the garbage voices in my brain that are constantly pulling me off my new path.

Frankly, being more than 100¬†lbs overweight isn’t just because of chips and Iced Capps, there’s a whole lot of other things going on in my world. It’s those things that will make or break this journey and that’s one of the reasons that I’m so thankful that I have a diet coach. He gets to handle all of the technical and food stuff so I don’t have to think about that, and I can think about the rest of it. He can’t fix my head but he can carry half of this burden and help me find me again. He’s my voice of reason when I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and getting stuck in a rut. I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far on my own, as I appear to be my own worst enemy.

I said all of that to say this … Find your people before you set out on any massive journey. People that will just be in your corner and will hear you vent without giving you advice. We need people who will guide us and lead us, but we also need quiet voices that will just stand there quietly and wish you the best. Find someone to walk the journey with you. Find people who will make sure that when you’re invited over or out, that they’ll have food for you OR will not spend the whole evening telling you it’s okay to “just have one”. In other words, find people who love you and want you to succeed. This is not something that you can do on your own, especially if you want this change to be forever. It’s easy to lose weight, or quit drinking or give up sugar or carbs for a season … it’s the long game that needs the extra love.

Find those “extra” people and hang on tight because there will be days where your basement fills with crap and you’re going to need them.

What did I learn this week?

  • that we need an alarm on our septic system ūüôā
  • that throwing-up is NOT for adults.
  • that I still have a long way to go, but that I’m slowly but surely getting there.
  • that I have an AMAZING husband that jumped in and completely took over as Mom & Dad so I could be quarantined away from everyone to ensure Norwalk didn’t take us ALL down.
  • that I have some really cool people in my corner

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

 

 

 

 

A Letter from a Fat Girl to my Young Friend

I see you looking at yourself in the mirror and hating the reflection you see.

I hear the words that are spinning out of control inside your head telling you that you are not good enough.

I can feel your heart breaking as loneliness consumes you.

I can taste your tears as they roll down your cheeks and touch your lips.

I can smell your fear when you walk into school bracing yourself for another day of murmurs and judgments from the kids around you.

I see and hear and taste and smell and feel all of these things and it makes me so angry. And heartbroken. And I just want to hug you and tell you that you are going to be just fine.

I also want to tell you right now that your senses are wrong. They are liars and they are not telling you the truth. Mirrors and stupid kids don’t know who you are and as such, they do not matter. You can not be described and understood through a reflection. Stop believing that.

How do I know this? Because I am you.

I was and still am the fat girl looking in the mirror.

I’ve doubted myself and felt like everyone hated me because of what I looked like.

I heard the names and the ignorant comments and I still hear them today.

I’ve been excluded from things because I didn’t quite fit in with my “friends” idea of what I should look like or how I should behave.

I’ve felt like I wasn’t good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or funny enough based solely on the person I saw when I looked in the mirror.

I SO get where you are but I want to give you hope because it does get better. This is YOUR story, it doesn’t belong to anyone else so stop letting them write the chapters.

When you look in the mirror, you need to look past the reflection and look into your heart.

Who are you? What makes you great? What kind of friend are you? What kind of daughter? What kind of sister? What are your beliefs? What makes you laugh? What makes you happy? What are you good at? What brings you joy? How do you help others? What difference are you making in the world?

These are the things that matters. These are the things that make you who you are and they are the things that will draw people to you AND make them want to stay. These are the things that will help you feel your strength and know your worth. These are the things that will give you confidence and help you feel safe. These are the things that will help you change the world.

Your reflection in the mirror can’t do ANY of that.

If your friends aren’t supportive of you and love you no matter what, they are NOT your friends. If they talk behind your back and call you names, they are not your friends.¬†If they tease you and/or don’t invite you to their events, they are not your friends. Frankly, you’re better off alone than being surrounded by fake, sad people. Don’t ever forget that.

If you can’t shop for clothes in the same stores as your friends, go to a different store. Who cares where your clothes come from, just put something on. If you can’t keep up with your friends in phys ed class, and that gives everyone a good laugh, oh well. They’re pointing out your weakness to make themselves look better, how sad it that? Try your best, that is what makes you great.

If boys don’t seem to like you, hang on, it will happen. Boys like hips and boobs, they’ll find you, I promise. Good thing is, they also like strong and confident women just as much, if not more, so work on becoming that. Boobs fall, bellies get round, and butts start to jiggle. Confidence and strength are forever, FIND THOSE and forget about the perfect reflection, cause Bah, that does not matter. WHO YOU ARE will always be more important and memorable than what you look like.

Stop comparing yourself to everyone around you because I can most definitely guarantee you that you don’t know all that’s going on with your friends. We all hide our crap and pretend to be perfect when more often than not, we’re all struggling and kicking our feet to stay above water. What you see is almost never true. Your perfect friends are hating what they see in their mirrors as well, you are so not alone in your journey. Don’t wish you were them, because you may not like the life that wish brings you.

Size 2 or Size 22, our greatness come from within. People will remember what you DID long after they forget what you look like.

So, the next time you look in mirror and you hear the nonsense creeping back in, turn your eyes and look my way instead because I SEE YOU. I see the girl that I once was and I know how freaking amazing you are. I found myself buried deep within this fluffy shell and I know you can too. Please look for that girl and let her out. The world really, really wants to meet her.

Close your mirror, put on your sassy pants and step into your life.

You are enough.

 

 

 

 

 

Weeks 34-40 …. Giving in, Giving Up or Going Forward

I’m sure that many of you are assuming that I finally quit and gave up on my diet as I basically just disappeared. Thankfully, you’d mostly be wrong.

I didn’t quit, I just got completely stuck in my life and the incredibly busy but very successful launch of my new business. I literally had zero spare minutes to do anything outside of make products to sell. It was a ridiculous but fabulous experience, but now I need to get myself back on track.

I’m fairly disappointed in myself though as I immediately fell back into my old patterns of ignoring myself and my needs to take care of the tasks at hand. As per usual, I stopped eating, I didn’t take any of my medications or vitamins, I drank almost no water but more than a couple of Coke Zeros. I SO thought I had a better handle on this crap, but here I was, in the middle of this crazy train and I was right back to the beginning of my journey.

This whole putting yourself first thing is WAY harder than I ever dreamed it would be. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve had to try and conquer before and I’m so annoyed that I just can’t beat it. It’s frustrating enough that it’s almost enough for me to just pack it all in and give it up. I’ve honestly thought about just walking away from this journey and just living my life.

It’s so dumb but this overwhelming feeling of “I suck so bad” was becoming almost stronger than my resolve to just get to the end of my journey. I’ve had more than a few dark moments this last month as I’ve floundered about in the chaos and I’ve come very close to just avoiding my coach for the rest of my life.

And then a friend shared this picture online.

That was me on December 31 of last year.

It is the first picture I’ve seen of myself where I actually see a difference. I am NOT that same person anymore. I am not only smaller, but I’m so less tired, so less sore and just overall “better”.

I need to remember that. I also really needed to see this picture. It will serve as the new image in my brain that reminds me that in spite of all of my shortcomings and my failures, I have done well. I have changed. I have actually accomplished something.

This journey has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s me. Imperfectly perfect, and all kinds of messy.

In acknowledgment of that, I’ve reset all the alarms in my phone to remind me to take my meds & vitamins. I’ve got my fitness tracker turned on. I’m writing down everything I eat and holding myself accountable. I’m meal planning. I’m drinking water again. And I’m back here, online with all of you.

Day One of 2018 is in the bag. I can do this.

What has this month shown me?

  • That I’m not “fixed”, but I’m most definitely fixable.
  • That I need to be gentler with myself and be okay with not always being okay.
  • That I do, in fact, really, really want to finish what I’ve started.
  • That I need to tell my coach that I ate whatever I wanted for 7 days straight.¬† ūüôā Sorry, Not Sorry. Thank-you for always being on my side, it’s so nice knowing that someone is in my corner.
  • That 2018 will be MY year.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

Weeks 32, 33 and The Big Cheat.

When I made the decision to blog my weight loss journey, I promised to be honest along the way. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve dieted before but I’ve never shared my experience like this, and that’s been, at times, really hard to do. It’s not an easy thing opening up about your successes, your failures, your blips along the way and all of the emotions that come along with them. But I’ve been doing it, and will continue to do so until I reach my goal weight. (Which I really still don’t have, outside of it needs to start with the number one).

So …. the big cheat.

Another two weeks have flown by and there’s been A LOT going on in my world. Some of my littles are dealing with some really major stuff, which just about kills me, especially since I can never talk about it and just get it all out there. My new business is set to launch and in working so hard on it, my Fibro chose to have a massive flare-up and my hands swelled up to twice their normal size. I’ve got some personal issues going on in my life that I’m trying to work through and or walk away from. I’m helping my family with a bunch of stuff, and overall, life is just crazy. Just like it is for most of us, all the time, so excuse my whiny list of excuses and justification for bad behaviour. LOL.

We had booked a week away with all the kids, but at the last-minute, they all decided that they just wanted to stay home and work or hang out with friends. So, we sold our week away to another big foster family and decided to stay home. After some chatting, the husband and I decided to just leave our party pooper children at home and ran away by ourselves. We chose to head south of the border and do a bunch of Christmas shopping and buy me some much-needed clothes. We went to Target, my happy place, drank Starbucks and wandered around in the peace and quiet. It was glorious.

It was also 4 days of me not caring about what I was eating. I ate when I was hungry, and ordered what looked good. I skipped a couple of meals because, frankly, there was shopping to be done. I had a #PSL, more than once and it was good. So good. I didn’t eat a single salad.

I gained 11 pounds.

I came home very happy and refreshed, but also very bloated and more sore than I’ve been in a very long time. The trip was an epic failure in the “get April healthy” journey but it was also very encouraging and exciting at the same time and this is why.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t obsess about what I was putting in my mouth. Not in a bad way or a good way, I just ate. I also didn’t, not even once think that I should just go crazy and eat anything and everything because I’ve already screwed up my food for the day. Food didn’t control me. In fact, it was just food and nothing more.

For me, that is HUGE. I have been terrified of what would happen when I opened the doors and ate something that wasn’t on my weight loss plan. Would I completely fall off the wagon and go backwards, like I always have? Would I choose to eat 47 cookies instead of the 1 that I was craving? Would I say Screw it, this is hard. There are things that taste better than skinny feels. Would I feel like I failed yet again?

I don’t feel any of these things. I am home, I’m back on track and I’m continuing on my journey. I still have close to 100 lbs¬†to go, so this story will be a very long one, BUT I am so encouraged to know that I AM GETTING BETTER. My brain is changing. My heart is changing. I am changing.

So as epic of a failure this past week was, it was exactly what I needed.

This journey is so much more than just sheer will and a desire to change. It’s about recognizing my weaknesses, figuring out how to change them and celebrating when it actually occurs. It’s about not letting a bad choice, or in this case, about 11 of them, derail me and send me reeling.

It’s about Losing myself and finding me, in so many ways.

Now back to the plan and the protocol, because 100%, without question, this is working.

Thank-you Coach for helping me along this far and please don’t be too mean to me after you read this blog. ūüėČ

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 30, 31 and The Big Nothing.

I’ve been so stinking busy that I forgot to write, not for one week but for two weeks in a row. It’s been non-stop appointments, sick kids, and the starting of a new business. (Which has been a total hush, hush project by they way). It’s been a lot, to put it mildly.

A year ago, being this busy would’ve been almost more than I could’ve bared, but here I am. Busy and not needing to go and collapse on a couch. I think that alone is my success for the month.

I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and I still have the energy to do a little bit more.

When I started this whole weight loss journey, this is what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel like a human being that wasn’t sitting on deaths door. It took 31 weeks and the loss of 65 pounds for me to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something significant.

You don’t really understand what chronic pain, the unknown and fear does to a person, until it’s pretty much gone.

This is a really nice place to be.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A whole lotta nothing … and the best kind of nothing ever. No pain. No Dr. Death feeling. No anything. I’ve never been a happier loser before.
  • Loss of a couple more pounds.
  • An almost ready to launch business
  • A new vehicle.

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 29 and Reclaiming the Power in Numbers

Having been a fat person for my entire life, I’ve had the pleasure of discussing my weight with a number of people. Not necessarily sharing the actual number but listening to people guess my weight, hearing them guess the weight of other people, or having them tell me what they weigh. It’s almost always a very enlightening and interesting conversation.

It seems like weight, or the size of a person, or what a person looks like creeps into a conversation more often than people even realize. Think of when you’re out at a restaurant and a larger person walks in, do you notice, do you comment, do you make snide remarks when you see a dessert being carried to their table? Or when the smallest person at the table makes a comment about how fat they look or feel that day, and everyone else speaks up and says, No you’re not. Or when you talk about your diet, and how you need to lose 20 lbs or you wish you could go back to the size you were before you had kids. These thoughts, and conversations are always happening. Usually not in a malicious way, but they are happening.

It’s these conversations that bring that horrible number to mind. Hearing people comment on weight or what someone weighs and knowing that they aren’t even remotely close drives me crazy. How do I know that? Because in all these years, and all these moments, no one has ever come close to guessing what I weigh. I’ve always wondered if they were just trying to be polite, so they said a lower number, so today I put that theory to the test.

I shared my before picture with my Facebook friends and family and asked the question, What do you think I weigh in this picture? The results have been very enlightening.

There was a spread of over 145 lbs in all the guesses. They ranged from 210 pounds to 355 pounds, which, thankfully, has proved the point that I was hoping to make.

THE NUMBER DOESN’T MEAN DIDDLY SQUAT.

It is almost impossible for a person to look at you and actually know what you weigh, yet we get so caught up in that number that it can consume us. It becomes this literal weight that holds us down or limits us from believing we can ever change. It becomes this thing that we hate or a measurement that determines our worth on a day-to-day basis.

For example, look at this picture. All of these ladies weigh the exact same, and yet none of them are shaped like another one. And in fact, we would probably guess all of theirs weights at something different just by looking at them.

   Image Source

We cannot get so caught up in what the scale is yelling at us as it’s nothing more than a number. We have to stop worrying what people think or see when they look at us because their eyes see what they want to anyways. We need to look at our friends and family and see them as our loved ones and not as a shape. We need to not assume that we know what’s going on inside someone’s body or head or heart based on what they look like. We need to read this and recognize that we have no idea sometimes, and then just leave it at that.

And as for me, well, no one guessed my weight correctly. So here it is friends … how far off were you??

As I look at these numbers, I can say with certainty that I will keep working on losing weight and getting myself to a lower number on the scale. But what I won’t be doing is letting that stupid number tell me or anyone else that I’m not good enough, that I have to be something better, or that I am not worthy.

Instead, I will focus on being healthy and happy and no longer worry about how much space I take up in the world. I will look at the number on the scale and use it as a measurement to keep myself on track and not allow it to be anything more that that. I own that number now, it no longer owns me.

I may still have a number attached to me, but don’t you dare use that number to try and sum me up. Guaranteed my value is at least triple what the scale is saying. Never forget that.

What did this week bring me?

  • The entrance into the 200’s, a number range that I haven’t visited in a long time.
  • A fabulous weekend of fun with my husband celebrating our 24th Wedding Anniversary
  • The realization and acceptance that I do, in fact, need to go buy pants.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 28 and Finding Joy in the VEEERRRY Long Journey

I’ve been feeling a little whiny and annoyed this week with this whole, stupid weightloss journey.

I’ve been having massive cravings for cake frosting, not cake, just frosting. I’m starting to get a hate on for water and cucumbers and celery. Well, celery is an eternal hatred but its getting stronger. I feel like going out for a big fancy fondue meal would be pretty much the most perfect thing ever, but only the bread and cheese and chocolate and cheesecake part of the meal. And pumpkin spice lattes, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m hating Fall at the moment. Not the season but my lack of #PSL goodness.

It’s taking FOREVER to reach the end of this journey, which I’m fairly confident will be a forever one, which is a whole other kind of scary. I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much. I bounce between being okay with being fat and wanting to not be. I get mad at myself for letting it get as bad as it did, and then not really caring all that much that it did. Overall, my head is fairly messed up and upside down at the moment.

So, I turned to the place of knowledge and opinions, ie. Facebook, for some encouragement and found exactly what I needed. Many of my friends and acquaintances have lost weight so I asked them to share their milestones and celebrations from their weightloss journey’s. Their words opened my eyes and helped me to see things a little bit clearer.

Here’s some of their stories.

My SIL Charlene loved feeling comfortable with her shirt tucked into her jeans after her 40lb loss.

Being able to cross my legs – Jennifer

Stacey was thrilled to be able to shop in a store that wasn’t for plus sizes.

Zita was encouraged by milestones, like 10lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs, but achieving a 100lb loss was her mind blowing moment.

A few people shared that it was their progress pics that helped them keep going.

My brother Colin was thrilled to be able to do 25 sit-ups in a row.

When Sarah hit a healthy BMI and entered One-derland on the scale.

These were just some of their a-ha moments, and I’ve experienced quite a few of them. But after some thought, I’ve come up with a few more of my own.

I’m now able to sit in the chairs in waiting rooms, without feeling like the chair is about 17 times too small for my butt and that I’m going to be stuck in it forever.

When I go out for dinner, to eat my salads, I can fit in a booth without the table touching me.

I can see my feet, and I have ankles. Oh, and my size 11 feet seem to be shrinking. Hallelujah.

I have less of me in the way when I pick things up off the floor or tie my shoes.

It’s these moments that I need to take note of. Not the way off in the distance end results that I’m aiming for. Not the things that I’ve given up. Not the things that I’m craving. It’s these things that remind me of why I began and how far I’ve come. How far all of us on this journey have come.

It’s about Baby Steps people. Baby Steps.

What did this week bring me?

New pants that were FOUR sizes smaller.

5 people in my house got the Flu, and I DIDN’T! That is a massively big thing as I used to get sick at the drop of a hat.

I tried a bunch of new types of food … some were nasty, some were good. But I tried them, so that’s a success.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.