It’s been a long time coming. I’ve lost weight, I’ve gained weight, I’ve lost it again and then found it again. It’s a hard thing to figure out, and I do believe that I’m ready to stop “figuring”. I’m ready to stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about it and stop crying about it. I’m ready to stop caring about what other people are thinking about me. I’m ready to just be myself.
I’ve been trying to write this post for a month now, and I haven’t quite been able to find the words. I know what I’m feeling, and I know what I’m wanting, I just didn’t know how to say it. Until now.
To all of the people who have looked “through” me because of my weight, thank-you for making me stronger. To everyone that was shocked when I landed “a good-looking and well-built” husband, thank you for assuming that I had so little to offer because I wasn’t a size 6. You reminded me of how great of a person I really am. To those of you that think that I’m overweight because I’m lazy, I challenge you to live my life for a week. I run 2 successful business, raise my own children, and other people’s children. I attend more doctor/therapist/school appointments in one week than most people do in 3 months. I babysit other people’s children 3 days/week. I am not fat because I’m sitting on my couch and eating bon bons, I’ve got no time for that. To the people who have snickered and pointed when I walked by, I’m not deaf or blind, I’m fully aware of the point you were making. Hello, I have a mirror, I know what I look like, I don’t need your comments. To all of these people, I am grateful for your help in making me become the person that I am today. I may need to change the outer packaging, but your words made “me” a very strong person, filled with grace and hope. Without you, I would be “you”, and frankly I’m happy to pass on that.
My weight has contributed to making me the person that I am today, but it is NOT who I am. I am so much more than what you see on the outside. I’ve lived a great life. I was a plus-sized model, I accomplished much in spite of my weight, and have done things that most “fat girls” don’t get to do. I’ve been content enough in my life to not be willing to make the serious changes necessary to lose weight. I was okay with that, but not anymore.
I need to change my life now. I’ve had a really rough year healthwise, and I’m so tired of feeling gross and rundown. None of that was related to my size, but I recognize that I can live a longer, healthier life if I lose weight. I know that my body can only carry my weight for so long, before something gives out. I’m a Mom, and a wife, a daughter and a friend. My life affects a lot of people around me and I need to be at my best, not just for myself but for them as well.
I look forward to the freedom that comes from not worrying about whether or not I can fit in a chair, or whether it will support my weight. I’d like to order whatever I want in a restaurant without people commenting on my choice. I want to feel semi-comfortable in a bathing suit. (I recognize that I am never going to be a bikini model, but I’d like to take my kids to the pool without feeling tormented). I CANNOT wait to shop in a “normal” store, and not in a plus-sized section. I look forward to my knees not hurting all the time and being able to touch my toes. It’s time.
How am I going to do this? Well, it’s already begun. I’ve already lost 40 pounds after having to change the way I eat because of undiagnosed allergies. I already feel like a different person because of that alone, so this healthy way of eating will be an easy change to keep up. I’m going to let my “personal trainer” husband train me. (That terrifies me as I’m not really sure that I’m ready to let him be the boss of me). But most importantly, I’m going to ignore the haters around me and be ME. I’m going to enjoy this life that I’ve been given, and will live it in spite of the judgements going on around me. I’m going to listen to the voices of those that love me, and let their words push me forward. I am going to take control of my life, and it’s going to be good.
Thank-you in advance to everyone that’s going to help me in this journey. I covet your support, encouragement and prayers. Stay tuned.