Everyday I’m faced with the reality of just how different I am than the people I’ve surrounded myself with. Not in a bad way, but in a “one of these things is not like the other” kinda way. Sometimes I feel like there’s something missing inside of me, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to find it. Am I not supposed to desire more, or want to see and experience more things? Why is that feeling just not there?
That may not really make sense to you, and frankly, I’m not sure that it even makes all that much sense to me, but let me explain it a little bit more.
When I look at pictures of far away places and see movies and hear stories that speak of adventure and new experiences, I’m content with the place that I am in. I have no desire to go and see them. None. When I see these same things in person, I see that they are beautiful and majestic, but I don’t “feel” them. I recognize that their placement in this world and the spaces that they fill are nothing short of a miracle, but still I’m happy to just appreciate them from afar.
When I get invited to attend events and experience new things, I don’t really want to go. It’s not that I don’t recognize that they are great opportunities to learn more and to see new things, but I don’t really feel any need to experience them. It’s not that I don’t like the people who are there or don’t want to spend time with them, I actually really, really like people and love being with them. But for some reason, that’s not a strong enough pull to get me there. I’m happy when I’m there, but I know that I’d be just as happy not being there. It is the weirdest thing, and it’s really hard to even put into words.
When I receive recognition or appreciation for the things I do or say, I almost feel guilty for hearing them. I really don’t feel like I’ve done anything that should be rewarded. I feel like I was put on this earth for a reason, and everything that I say or do is a reflection of that. I want to affect the people around me, not for my sake, but for theirs. And as I write that, I know it may come across as attention seeking, but trust me, it isn’t. I don’t want awards or to be pulled up on a stage, I want none of it. I want my life to be about making other people’s lives better, not about me.
Don’t get me wrong, I love meeting new people and making new friends. I look forward to working on new ideas and starting new businesses. I love being a foster parent and the challenges that new kids bring to our world. I like expressing myself creatively through writing or design. I love my life, and the people that surround me.
But if I never did anything beyond what I’m doing today, I would be okay with that. I am content in my life and have absolutely zero need for anything more. I literally am happy, exactly where I am.
Or so I thought.
A few weeks ago, I woke up with this incredibly strong feeling that something new was on my horizon. Something amazing that is just waiting for me to grab it and run with it. Something that may force me to step out of my contentment and comfortableness, and I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Maybe I’m no longer content with being content. And maybe, just maybe, my normal is about to get really abnormal. Question is, am I ready to say good-bye to the old me and my old path? I really don’t know.
Are any of you in the same place as me? Are you completely satisfied with the life you’re living and don’t really feel like you need “more”? Are you waiting on the edge of a cliff, hoping that you’ll be brave enough to jump or are you just waiting for someone to throw you off? Are you ready to trust the voice inside of you that’s saying, GO. Go now.
I think it’s time to take a leap … who’s jumping with me?