This week, I’ve really been struggling with words. I’ve needed to respond to some things and just couldn’t figure out the right words to say. I’ve had to redirect, change the subject and sometimes flat-out ignore what was being said to me. And I hate it.
I can’t stand the idea of not being able to help someone through something and having to leave them in a place of questioning. I’ve felt lost and confused before, and I don’t want anyone to have to go through that. I want to help them, but the words just seem to be escaping me.
I need to find the words to help my little’s find their way but I don’t know how to say that your Mom was wrong, without actually saying that. I don’t know how to tell them that abuse doesn’t equal love without bashing all that they know. I don’t know how to be a good Mom without making them feel like their Mom is a bad one. I don’t know how to reach them without screaming, when screaming is all they know.
I need to find the words to reach a boy who is intent on pushing people away. I need to find a voice that he can hear, and trust and believe. I don’t know how else to say that you’re amazing exactly how you are, stop trying to be something else. I don’t know how to say that you can still love your Mom, even if you want nothing to do with her. I don’t know how to honour her when all I really want to do is rip her to shreds.
I need to find the words to help a friend see herself in the way that I see her. I need to find words that will help her take her focus off the world and to stop putting walls up to keep people out. I need to not hurt her but be able to answer her questions of “why”? I need words so full of grace that she won’t feel judged but will find freedom.
I need to find the words to still the negative voice in my head. I need to figure out how to be proud of myself and the amount of weight that I’ve lost already, and not think it’s not good enough. I need to find the words to remind myself that I’m in a better place today then I was yesterday.
I guess that as I sit here trying to find the right things to say, maybe I just need to quit trying and let the words find me. But how do I do that? I’m so not good at waiting.
Heaven help me.
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