15,058 days ago, I was born.
7,250 days ago, I got married.
6,252 days ago, I became a Mom.
12,136 days ago, I realized that I was overweight.
I have been thinking about, working on and surviving “my size” for almost as long as I’ve been alive. I’ve had a great and happy life, and my weight was just something that I carried. It didn’t make my life any less fabulous or more difficult. It has always just been a part of who I was.
I am now at a place where my weight is going down as opposed to up. I’m eating to sustain life, and not just because I’m bored or have nothing better to do. I’m drinking more water and almost no Coke Zero. I’m eating more veggies in a week than I used to eat in a month. Food is no longer my enemy.
Problem is, the only thing I really “know” is how to be fat. I’ve been overweight almost as long as I’ve been breathing. I’ve never shopped in a store that isn’t plus-sized, and I’ve never worn a bikini. (That’s never going to happen … but it would be nice to have the option). I’ve never felt truly 100% comfortable in my own skin. Happy and content, yes but comfortable, no.
Maybe there’s always been a skinny girl trying to get out, and I’ve been shutting her up with cookies and Diet Coke. Maybe I was scared of not being who I’ve always been. Maybe I felt safer being fat. Maybe it was something else. I really don’t know but whatever it was, I’ve never felt “right”.
Now that I’m actually facing real change and a new body, it’s a little bit overwhelming. That may sound a bit crazy to some of you, but I’m literally becoming something that’s totally foreign to me. I don’t have any “skinny memories” as a frame of reference. I’ve never been anything but bigger than everyone around me. It’s just the weirdest thing.
I am still “morbidly obese” (stupid weight charts) and have a long ways to go BUT I am only one size away from shopping in normal stores. I am now only 10lbs heavier than the weight that’s listed on my driver’s license. My stomach no longer sticks out farther than my boobs. I am becoming a new person.
Hopefully the face that’s staring back at me in the mirror recognizes the old me, and that they quicky become one in the same. My head, my heart and my eyes all need to start seeing the same thing, sooner than later. I’m working too hard and feeling too good to let this little disconnect mess me up any longer.
So, watch out World … this “Fat Girl” is about to let her “Skinny Girl” out. Brace Yourselves, it’s gonna be awesome.
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