“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, Drifting through the wind, Wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin, Like a house of cards, One blow from caving in?”
Have you ever heard a song, and felt like it was about you? Well, me and Katy … we’re feeling it. I can honestly say that I’ve never felt like a plastic bag, but I have felt drifting. I have felt like there needs to be an end, and like I need a new beginning. I have felt like I’m not good enough, that I haven’t done enough, that I could’ve done a whole lot better, and that I’m a failure.
I quite often feel like I should be more than what I am now. I should’ve gone to school and became a doctor or a lawyer or something “important”. I should work harder on my businesses and be more passionate about becoming uber-successful. I should try a whole lot harder at losing weight and stop getting caught up in excuses and nonsense. I should want to try new things and discover the world.
Instead … I’m living a life that focuses on everything and everyone that surrounds me. It’s not my story, it’s theirs and it carries a massive burden. Is this “non-me” good enough to make them the best that they can be. My days begin and end with being a Mom.
I shouldn’t be content with being a housewife and a Mom. I should stop drifting along, and start focusing on something more.
But what is that? What should I be? Who should I be? Am I doing the wrong things altogether? Why do I feel like I’m just filling a role and shaping someone else’s story? I need to find me without losing them, but how in the world do I do that? Who will I become when the little’s leave, and I’m just here with me, myself and I?
Where does Mom end and April begin?
When I sit back now and look at all of the things that I think are super awesome about me, I realize that all of those things, are because of them. I don’t remember the person that I was before I had children. I remember times, and places, but I don’t remember “me”. I lived a very full and happy life, and experienced many things. I’ve been well off and really broke. I’ve been really sick and really healthy. And all of these things helped turn me into me, but NOW the things that I’m most proud of are the traits that formed because of them.
They are MY Story, and what a beautiful story it is.
I am strong.
I am resilient.
I am determined.
I am hilarious.
I am a Mom.
So maybe, just maybe I’m not actually drifting, maybe I’m just “holding” in the exact spot that I’m supposed to be. They don’t need to end, I just need to honour and accept all that they’ve helped me become. I, or should I say “we” need to be okay with the life that we’ve been blessed with ….our days may not be filled with paycheques or new discoveries. But what we do is nothing less important than that, and frankly, that IS. GOOD. ENOUGH.
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It’s always been inside of you, you, you
And now it’s time to let it through
You’re right Katy …. I’ve already got all I need inside of me, and it’s all kinds of awesome. Watch out world, this girl is about to shine. My should’ve and could’ves have officially been blown up in one massive blast of fireworks. Now, who’s joining me in this lightshow?
Boom Mama’s. Boom.
“Firework” is from Katy Perry’s album Teenage Dream. It was written by Wilhelm, Sandy / Eriksen, Mikkel / Hermansen, Tor / Perry, Katy / Dean, Ester.