Category Archives: Losing Myself & Finding Me

Week 28 and Finding Joy in the VEEERRRY Long Journey

I’ve been feeling a little whiny and annoyed this week with this whole, stupid weightloss journey.

I’ve been having massive cravings for cake frosting, not cake, just frosting. I’m starting to get a hate on for water and cucumbers and celery. Well, celery is an eternal hatred but its getting stronger. I feel like going out for a big fancy fondue meal would be pretty much the most perfect thing ever, but only the bread and cheese and chocolate and cheesecake part of the meal. And pumpkin spice lattes, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m hating Fall at the moment. Not the season but my lack of #PSL goodness.

It’s taking FOREVER to reach the end of this journey, which I’m fairly confident will be a forever one, which is a whole other kind of scary. I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much. I bounce between being okay with being fat and wanting to not be. I get mad at myself for letting it get as bad as it did, and then not really caring all that much that it did. Overall, my head is fairly messed up and upside down at the moment.

So, I turned to the place of knowledge and opinions, ie. Facebook, for some encouragement and found exactly what I needed. Many of my friends and acquaintances have lost weight so I asked them to share their milestones and celebrations from their weightloss journey’s. Their words opened my eyes and helped me to see things a little bit clearer.

Here’s some of their stories.

My SIL Charlene loved feeling comfortable with her shirt tucked into her jeans after her 40lb loss.

Being able to cross my legs – Jennifer

Stacey was thrilled to be able to shop in a store that wasn’t for plus sizes.

Zita was encouraged by milestones, like 10lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs, but achieving a 100lb loss was her mind blowing moment.

A few people shared that it was their progress pics that helped them keep going.

My brother Colin was thrilled to be able to do 25 sit-ups in a row.

When Sarah hit a healthy BMI and entered One-derland on the scale.

These were just some of their a-ha moments, and I’ve experienced quite a few of them. But after some thought, I’ve come up with a few more of my own.

I’m now able to sit in the chairs in waiting rooms, without feeling like the chair is about 17 times too small for my butt and that I’m going to be stuck in it forever.

When I go out for dinner, to eat my salads, I can fit in a booth without the table touching me.

I can see my feet, and I have ankles. Oh, and my size 11 feet seem to be shrinking. Hallelujah.

I have less of me in the way when I pick things up off the floor or tie my shoes.

It’s these moments that I need to take note of. Not the way off in the distance end results that I’m aiming for. Not the things that I’ve given up. Not the things that I’m craving. It’s these things that remind me of why I began and how far I’ve come. How far all of us on this journey have come.

It’s about Baby Steps people. Baby Steps.

What did this week bring me?

New pants that were FOUR sizes smaller.

5 people in my house got the Flu, and I DIDN’T! That is a massively big thing as I used to get sick at the drop of a hat.

I tried a bunch of new types of food … some were nasty, some were good. But I tried them, so that’s a success.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

Week 27 – The Week of Results with Pictures. Gah.

Well … I’m about half way through my year long journey and figured that it was time to share some pics and stats. I’m not overly thrilled about sharing because well, I’m not a fan of pictures of myself, but it’s time.

We’ll start with Weightloss, Measurements and some other numbers.

I HAVE LOST:

54lbs

5.75″ off my chest

2.75″ off my bicep

7″ off my waist

5.25″ off my hips

3.75″ off my thigh

BMI is down 5.8 points

Body Fat is down 6.59%

Blood Pressure went from 153/72 to 125/72

I have completely come off of Iron supplementation and daily pain medicine. I can walk up and down my stairs without getting winded. I can kinda/sorta paint my own toenails, if I wanted to but that’s what salons are for. I can’t wear pants without a belt, but I haven’t bought a belt yet, so I spend a lot of time hiking my pants back up when I walk. I can see my feet.

And now for pics … at first I didn’t see too much of a difference, and then I realized that I could see more of the white cabinet behind me, so I’m calling that a win.

There you go, half way in and a long way from the finish line, but I’m still going and that’s better than I usually do.  🙂 Woot, Woot.

Thanks for following my journey and encouraging me along the way … this is ridiculously hard to do, and you’ve all helped me in some way or another. High-Five Friends. xoxoxo

 

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

 

Week 26 and a HUGE Reminder

This post is almost a week late because frankly, I didn’t know what to write about. My journey has become fairly boring and predictable, which is a really good thing, but it doesn’t make for a great story.

I was trying to figure out how to skip a week, and then Facebook shared my lovely memories and it hit me. This journey is far from boring, it has saved my life. Literally.

It was one year ago, this week, that I was having my 3rd round of iron infusions. First pic was my blood transfusion and the final pic was my last infusion day.

A year ago, I was pretty much convinced that I was dying. I had zero hope and I felt like death walking. I absolutely needed to change my entire life but had no idea where to even begin, so instead, I just laid on my couch and prayed for the strength to get up and move. It was the most awful and horrible time in my life.

My days were spent either on the couch, at the doctor’s office or at the pharmacy picking up yet another prescription to try to give me some relief from the pain and infections and horribleness that was constantly attacking my body. But the beauty in that is that it was this same pharmacist that pulled me out of the despair. It was his voice that said to me, “are you ready to get better”?

I truly don’t know where I would be today, if I hadn’t listened to him and started on Ideal Protein. I’d like to say that I would’ve figured it out on my own, but that would be a total lie. I needed a guiding and supportive voice and someone who was a whole lot stronger than I was. Suhas was that person.

So, even though my journey isn’t all that exciting anymore, it’s a story of hope renewed. It is my chance to live the life that I deserve to live. I am so grateful that I listened to someone else’s voice and made the leap.

My head was a liar, thankfully I ignored it long enough to actually start over. I’m thankful for my past, and thrilled that I will never visit it again. What an amazing gift.

What did this week bring me:

~ A Weight gain of 0.5lbs – Gah

~ A loss of 2″

~ Pictures that reminded me of where I’ve been and where I refuse to revisit.

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

Week 25 and Just Trusting the Process.

This week, I had the privilege of speaking to a bunch of people who were considering starting the Ideal Protein journey. It was a good but weird experience for me as there I was, the fat girl, talking about a diet and how great I’m doing on it. It’s a strange thing having people consider you as being successful when you’re not exactly feeling that way yourself. But I do feel it, but I also don’t. Sigh.

This weightloss – get healthy – change your brain journey is a really hard thing to work your way through. Your head says one thing, your heart says another and your eyes looking at you in the mirror are seeing and most definitely saying something altogether different still. I do believe that I’m now at the place where I just need to press forward and not think. Or as my coach says, you just need to trust the process and protocol.

One of the questions that I wanted to answer when I was talking to everyone was “why”, why did I choose Ideal Protein for this journey. I have a tonne of reasons, like convenience, simplicity, taste, ease of use and help available. Now as I look at it, I stand by all of them, but I’m realizing that the most important part of all of this has been my coach and his coaching team. These people have helped me in ways that they’ll never understand. They’ve kept me healthy, got me back on track when I was sliding off, celebrated with me, consoled me, kicked me in the butt and made me laugh. The Ideal protein plan and food are great, but it’s the support and guidance that comes along with them that has made the difference for me.

I have no problem losing weight, but I have massive problems with changing me and keeping it off. This team of people is helping me get to the other side of myself which is so awesome, because I most certainly cannot do it on my own. I have weight “losses” of close to 400 pounds to verify that fact and I’m SO excited that this journey will be the final chapter in The Road to Skinny book series that I’ve been writing FOREVER.

I’m sure I’ve said that before, but until now, I’ve never really felt it. I’ve never felt like I could be anything but Fat April. I’ve had the will but not the hope, and it took a team of people to really help me feel it. Hope is such a beautiful thing as it brings strength and joy and a will that’s much stronger than my own and as much as I love Fat April, I’m so looking forward to just being April.

This truly has been a lifelong battle, and I know that I will always have to fight and be diligent but I now know that it is a battle that can be won.

And thankfully, there are protein chips for the journey.  🙂

What did this week bring me:

  • A yummy RECIPE that is pretty darned close to my beloved Iced Capps & Frappucinos. Hallelujah.
  • A victory in the laundry room. I’m no longer fearful of my clothes shrinking in the dryer but am now hoping and praying that they actually will.  🙂
  • A new found appreciation and love for my village. I truly have the best team.
  • A loss of 5.5 lbs.

 

 

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

Week 24 and the things that are said to Fat People.

This past week was great, things are back on track and I’m feeling pretty good about keeping on. But in saying that, this is also the week where my annoyance levels with people have hit an all time high.

My goal in this journey has been to be very open and transparent and to talk about all the nonsense that no one ever wants to talk about. That means that people are also pretty vocal with me and though their intentions are more than likely pure, their words are quite often demeaning or hurtful. So, I’m going to reply to a few of the questions, and statements and comments that have been shared with me. Hopefully, my answers will help you understand me and my chubby friends a little bit better.  🙂

  1. Yes, I realized that I was gaining weight over the years, and knew that it was getting worse. I can also tell you that in spite of knowing that, I did look in the mirror one day and really “saw” it and knew it was time to do something about it. Don’t know why or how that happens, but it did. I do think a lot of overweight people, myself included, wear bigger and baggier clothes than our thin counterparts because we don’t want to accentuate ALL of our bumps and lumps. When your shirt is way bigger than it needs to be, it takes quite awhile for it to get tight so the weight gain isn’t immediately obvious. This is something that I’m struggling with now … buying clothes that fit and don’t hang. It’s weird.
  2. No, I can’t just have one bite or one taste or one sip. Sugar and crap food is mine and many other overweight peoples “drug of choice”. No one would dream of offering an alcoholic a drink or a drug addict a line of cocaine, but the second you say, I’ve given up sugar, everyone offers you “just a little bit”. Stop it. Please just stop it. By all means, keep eating and doing whatever you want but if we say, No, it means no.
  3. You have such a pretty face. That’s just a fancy way of saying “you’re fat, but at least you’re not hideous”. If you think I’m pretty, or look good in a particular outfit or if I actually managed to get my hair brushed and looked extra presentable, you can compliment me. But just say, you look great today. Leave the “pretty face” part out. May sound silly, but I can guarantee that a lot of us bigger folks have heard that phrase a million times, and it’s old and tired.
  4. Don’t make a shocked face when you see my incredibly fit and in shape bodybuilder husband. Don’t look at him, and then turn and give me the up and down look-over. Yes, a buff guy can love a fat girl. You would be surprised how often this happens to me and a lot of other couples I know.
  5. “I just stopped drinking pop and fruit juice, and I lost 10 lbs right away”. “Just don’t eat anything after 6:00”. “Just eat more meat and less bread”. “My cousin did that diet where you only eat grapefruits for 2 weeks and she lost so much weight”. “Eat smaller meals, 4-6 times/day”. Unless you are specifically asked by me or someone else for weightless or diet advice, don’t give it. Long term weightloss is about SO MUCH MORE than the food that goes in our mouths, its way more mental, and until a person gets to that place, vegetables and lean meat will accomplish zero. And odds are very good, that by offering it, unsolicited, you are hurting your friend and making them feel even worse about their bodies.
  6. If I call myself fat or fluffy or plump or chubby or whatever other word I choose to use, don’t correct me. “Be quiet, no, you’re not”, just reinforces the statement. Instead say, I think it looks great, or try a different size on. Or, lets figure out another place to sit, or whatever. Fat people know they’re fat, it’s not a secret. And more often than not, it is the reason why we can’t do certain things, fit in certain places, wear certain clothing. It’s not a bad word, it’s a descriptive one. And when it comes to clothes, don’t say, you look great if I actually look horrible. Suggest a different cut or a different size. We want to look nice too, and not like a fat chick stuffed into a skinny girls outfit. **If your friend says this repeatedly and appears to be depressed or really upset about their weight, have a heart to heart discussion with them and ask if you can help them. Speak with love and not pity .. pity does nothing but hold people back. Love & respect is powerful – give them that instead.
  7. If you’re concerned about someone’s diet or plan that they’re following, ASK THEM ABOUT IT. Don’t make assumptions or berate them if you don’t have all the info. And once you know and if you still disagree, and they are adults and able-minded, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Weightloss is a very personal journey and people have to find their own way. Hopefully their plan is more about vegetables than bacon, but if not, just love them and be there when they ASK for help.
  8. Having to lose 10 pounds and having to lose 100 pounds are two VERY DIFFERENT things, please don’t compare them. I will never, ever say that weightloss is easy, even if you only have to lose 10 pounds. But you cannot compare your 10 pound journey to my 100 pound one. If someone is 100 pounds overweight, their issues are WAY bigger than chips and drinking with friends. I have to give up and change almost every single aspect of my life in order to make this a longterm success, and it’s going to take A LONG TIME. I have to wrap my head around years of change and not a week or two. It’s different. 10 pounds is hard, 100 pounds is hard, but the journeys are not the same. There are ways to help and encourage each other – but comparison is not one of them. Instead, let’s go for a walk and share a nice glass of ice water.
  9. Have you had your thyroid checked? Trust me, our thyroids have been checked. We’re fat. Odds are really good that we’ve had our thyroid checked, as well as our blood pressure and if we have diabetes more times than you would even believe.  It’s actually very hard for an overweight person to be taken seriously in the doctor’s office because the first response to most doctors visits is “lose weight, it should fix that”. I was actually told that when my uterus was trying to kill me … yeah, that wasn’t because I was fat. Grrr.
  10.  Pointing out other fat people and commenting on how fat they are when you see them. Besides the fact that you are being an incredibly judgmental cow by doing that, you are calling me, your friend “Fat” in a very derogatory and disrespectful way.

I don’t say all of these things because I’m a whiny baby or because I feel sorry for myself, I’m saying them out of frustration. Overweight people are constantly judged based purely on their looks, and frankly it’s tiring. I was happy fat, I’m happy as I’m getting less fat and one day I’ll hopefully be a happy skinny person. But my weight and whether or not I lose it doesn’t change who I am. Don’t ever assume that it will or that an overweight person wants to be skinny.

Talk to me like a person, or a colleague or a friend and not as the fat version of those things.

We are all struggling and sometimes flailing and I’d love to just be able to not only be myself but be able to ask for help when I need it. Or to have the freedom to be exactly who I am at any given time. Even if I’m fat.

What did this week bring me?

  • A loss of almost 5 pounds.
  • A renewed hatred of celery
  • A clearer vision of what else I need to change to make myself more successful
  • A new kid, a crazier than ever schedule, and the realization that I can now physically do more than I could 6 months ago. Hallelujah.

REMINDER. If you want to check out the Ideal Protein plan and see what I’m doing and why I love it, please come out to an upcoming information night. I’ll be there sharing a bit of my story and answering your questions along with some other fine folks. You’ll get to try some of the products and will receive a discount voucher to use if you decide to join. Follow this link to add your name to the attendance list.

Ideal Protein Information Night in Sherwood Park

Week 23 plus a Few & Still Hanging On

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Not because I gave in and quit, but because my life went insane. Who knew keeping 7 kids busy and on track all summer would be a tough task to accomplish? August was the month of seemingly unending doctors appointments, the moving in and out of kids, back to school prep and just all around chaos. I’ve hardly had a spare moment to think, forget about writing.

The good news, I’m still trucking along. At my slow snails pace, but still going nonetheless. A lot of the doctors appointments were for me, as some of my bad choices of my old lifestyle have come back to bite me in the butt. It’s been a pretty big reminder of how important taking care of myself really is. Not really caring for the majority of my life has left me with more issues than I’d like to even admit. BUT that’s okay, I’ll just keep going forward, I’ll just keeping choosing better and I’ll deal with whatever my body decides to throw at me as it comes along. Unfortunately, I can’t completely reverse some things, but I can most certainly stop them from getting worse, so that’s reason enough for me to keep trying.

I still continue to struggle with eating enough, and getting my brain to accept that vegetables are friends and not enemies. Every month, I do a little bit better, but I need to do more than just “a little bit” better. I need to stop being such a whiny baby and quit ignoring the reminder alarms that I’ve set in my phone to remind myself to eat. I need to not think about veggies as horrible awfulness. I need to just suck it up and deal already. I need to just stop hanging on and throw myself over the edge already.

As much as I appreciate feeling better and love that my painful bad weeks have become bad days, and more often than not, just bad moments, I now need to focus on losing weight. The past 6 months of “dieting” to get healthy have been awesome, but I’m now ready to diet to lose weight. My heart and my brain need a little switch as my journey is still so far from ending that I need a new motivation. Reality is, the more weight I lose, the better I’ll feel. I need the fat to stop crushing my organs and causing me pain. I need to be able to carry less of me around to give my joints and bones a break. I need my skin to stop rubbing on itself. I just need to not be fat anymore.

September 1st has always been my January 1st, so it’s New Years Resolution time friends. I’m now “officially” on a diet to lose weight. And for the first time in my life, I’m actually excited about this change and am looking forward to reaching some VERY close milestones.

I’ve been fat my entire life and I cannot wait to see what “not fat” feels like.

If you want to check out the Ideal Protein plan and see what I’m doing and why I love it, please come out to an upcoming information night. I’ll be there sharing a bit of my story and answering your questions along with some other fine folks. You’ll get to try some of the products and will receive a discount voucher to use if you decide to join. Follow this link to add your name to the attendance list.

Ideal Protein Information Night in Sherwood Park

And as a closing note, Thank-you for being on my support team by reading my posts, sending me encouraging notes and for joining this journey with me. This is tough to do, and having a team of people on my side really helps make things easier. Much Love to all of you.

Weeks 21, 22 and Losing my Will

These past 2 weeks have been really hard. Really hard.

Circumstances, pain flare-ups, situations, and moments out of my control have more or less consumed me for the past 2 weeks. In that consumption, I’ve lost sight of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m at the place where I want to just quit, and be done, and go back to not really caring. I want to go out with my friends and eat whatever I want. I want to eat toast for breakfast.

Unfortunately, I also really want to not hurt. I want to shop in any store and pick out any clothes and put them on and have them fit me. I want to feel super comfortable in my skin and not think about how other people see me. I want to be healthy. I want all of the things that I don’t have right now.

And there-in lies the problem.

I’m done but I’m so NOT done at the same time. When I think about all of the things that I’m whining and complaining about, they’re so stupid. Boo-Hoo, I can’t have cake. I have to eat vegetables and steak and not a plate of nachos. Oh woe is me. I’m actually having a pity party for myself over the loss of sugar, and the overall feelings of crappiness that it fills me with. It makes absolutely no sense, but here I am, wallowing in it. Like an idiot.

The funny thing is, in all of this whining, I haven’t been cheating. I haven’t been eating at McDonalds or sneaking Iced Capps. I’ve just been surviving on mostly air, some water and a protein shake or two. I also had a moment, and drank 2 Diet Cokes, which resulted in 3 days of extreme bloating, joint pain and the worst headache that I’ve had in a long time. Instead of eating the bags of veggies I’ve pre-cut for myself, and the meals that I’ve got frozen in the freezer, I chose Diet Pop.

Explain that to me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so incredibly hard for me to give a rats behind about myself? Why can I look into the eyes of my children and want for them to be healthy and happy and strong? Or at my husband? Or my parents? Or my friends? Why can I see it, and feel it for everyone else but still not feel it for myself? Intellectually I get it, and I understand why it needs to happen. But I don’t “feel” it.

Or am I just being lazy and choosing the easy way through this instead of focusing on what I really need to do? 45 years of being fat, 97% really happy and fairly successful is what I know. It’s safe and it’s who I’ve always been. Do I not want it bad enough? Is that what this is? Laziness?

I don’t think it is though because if I shut my brain off and listen to my heart,  I KNOW that I really do want more of what the world has to offer. And that this body and my health is stopping me from experiencing everything. I want it, and I have flashes of feeling it, but I just can’t get it to stick. Maybe I just answered my own question though … maybe it’s about shutting my brain off, ignoring the nonsense in my head and just focusing on doing what I know I need to do – instead of waiting to feel it. Gah.

When I began this journey, it was hard but easy at the same time. I felt so incredibly awful that it was easy to grab onto something that made me feel better. But now that I feel mostly good, I’m getting lost without the obvious reminders. I never would’ve thought that it would be the middle of my story that would be the hardest part of this, but yet, here I am. Wallowing and floundering and only half way there.

I really don’t want to be taken out by the middle. That’s the best part of an Oreo and I’m going to turn it into the best part of my story too. I can do this.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A loss of 5 pounds last week, this week, I don’t know as I didn’t make it to my weigh-in. Sigh.
  • Almost 30″ lost now which means I need a new wardrobe, but I’m holding out a bit longer.
  • I ate jicama and turnips AND I liked them.
  • An aspartame induced three day long torture episode.
  • The packing and a move of a child out of my home.
  • The accidental but almost fatal poisoning by me – of our dog, who is absolutely fine now. Amen.
  • The discovery that I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.
  • Admitting and accepting that it’s okay to not be okay while knowing that I’m going to be more than okay in the end.
  • Calling the middle out for what it is, messy and rude.

 

**** I am still so very thrilled about being on Ideal Protein and following the plan. It’s made me more conscious of what I’m eating and/or not eating. It’s forcing me to eat for nutrition and not for convenience. I’m not struggling because of Ideal Protein, I’m struggling because of me. The Ideal Protein plan, my coach, the staff in my clinic, and the support that I’ve received have helped me in ways that I can never describe. Without them, I would’ve given up a long time ago and just fell back into my old ways. I can say, without hesitation that if you are ready to change your life & get healthy. Give this a try.  ****

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.