Category Archives: Losing Myself & Finding Me

Weeks 32, 33 and The Big Cheat.

When I made the decision to blog my weight loss journey, I promised to be honest along the way. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve dieted before but I’ve never shared my experience like this, and that’s been, at times, really hard to do. It’s not an easy thing opening up about your successes, your failures, your blips along the way and all of the emotions that come along with them. But I’ve been doing it, and will continue to do so until I reach my goal weight. (Which I really still don’t have, outside of it needs to start with the number one).

So …. the big cheat.

Another two weeks have flown by and there’s been A LOT going on in my world. Some of my littles are dealing with some really major stuff, which just about kills me, especially since I can never talk about it and just get it all out there. My new business is set to launch and in working so hard on it, my Fibro chose to have a massive flare-up and my hands swelled up to twice their normal size. I’ve got some personal issues going on in my life that I’m trying to work through and or walk away from. I’m helping my family with a bunch of stuff, and overall, life is just crazy. Just like it is for most of us, all the time, so excuse my whiny list of excuses and justification for bad behaviour. LOL.

We had booked a week away with all the kids, but at the last-minute, they all decided that they just wanted to stay home and work or hang out with friends. So, we sold our week away to another big foster family and decided to stay home. After some chatting, the husband and I decided to just leave our party pooper children at home and ran away by ourselves. We chose to head south of the border and do a bunch of Christmas shopping and buy me some much-needed clothes. We went to Target, my happy place, drank Starbucks and wandered around in the peace and quiet. It was glorious.

It was also 4 days of me not caring about what I was eating. I ate when I was hungry, and ordered what looked good. I skipped a couple of meals because, frankly, there was shopping to be done. I had a #PSL, more than once and it was good. So good. I didn’t eat a single salad.

I gained 11 pounds.

I came home very happy and refreshed, but also very bloated and more sore than I’ve been in a very long time. The trip was an epic failure in the “get April healthy” journey but it was also very encouraging and exciting at the same time and this is why.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t obsess about what I was putting in my mouth. Not in a bad way or a good way, I just ate. I also didn’t, not even once think that I should just go crazy and eat anything and everything because I’ve already screwed up my food for the day. Food didn’t control me. In fact, it was just food and nothing more.

For me, that is HUGE. I have been terrified of what would happen when I opened the doors and ate something that wasn’t on my weight loss plan. Would I completely fall off the wagon and go backwards, like I always have? Would I choose to eat 47 cookies instead of the 1 that I was craving? Would I say Screw it, this is hard. There are things that taste better than skinny feels. Would I feel like I failed yet again?

I don’t feel any of these things. I am home, I’m back on track and I’m continuing on my journey. I still have close to 100 lbs to go, so this story will be a very long one, BUT I am so encouraged to know that I AM GETTING BETTER. My brain is changing. My heart is changing. I am changing.

So as epic of a failure this past week was, it was exactly what I needed.

This journey is so much more than just sheer will and a desire to change. It’s about recognizing my weaknesses, figuring out how to change them and celebrating when it actually occurs. It’s about not letting a bad choice, or in this case, about 11 of them, derail me and send me reeling.

It’s about Losing myself and finding me, in so many ways.

Now back to the plan and the protocol, because 100%, without question, this is working.

Thank-you Coach for helping me along this far and please don’t be too mean to me after you read this blog. 😉

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 30, 31 and The Big Nothing.

I’ve been so stinking busy that I forgot to write, not for one week but for two weeks in a row. It’s been non-stop appointments, sick kids, and the starting of a new business. (Which has been a total hush, hush project by they way). It’s been a lot, to put it mildly.

A year ago, being this busy would’ve been almost more than I could’ve bared, but here I am. Busy and not needing to go and collapse on a couch. I think that alone is my success for the month.

I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and I still have the energy to do a little bit more.

When I started this whole weight loss journey, this is what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel like a human being that wasn’t sitting on deaths door. It took 31 weeks and the loss of 65 pounds for me to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something significant.

You don’t really understand what chronic pain, the unknown and fear does to a person, until it’s pretty much gone.

This is a really nice place to be.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A whole lotta nothing … and the best kind of nothing ever. No pain. No Dr. Death feeling. No anything. I’ve never been a happier loser before.
  • Loss of a couple more pounds.
  • An almost ready to launch business
  • A new vehicle.

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 29 and Reclaiming the Power in Numbers

Having been a fat person for my entire life, I’ve had the pleasure of discussing my weight with a number of people. Not necessarily sharing the actual number but listening to people guess my weight, hearing them guess the weight of other people, or having them tell me what they weigh. It’s almost always a very enlightening and interesting conversation.

It seems like weight, or the size of a person, or what a person looks like creeps into a conversation more often than people even realize. Think of when you’re out at a restaurant and a larger person walks in, do you notice, do you comment, do you make snide remarks when you see a dessert being carried to their table? Or when the smallest person at the table makes a comment about how fat they look or feel that day, and everyone else speaks up and says, No you’re not. Or when you talk about your diet, and how you need to lose 20 lbs or you wish you could go back to the size you were before you had kids. These thoughts, and conversations are always happening. Usually not in a malicious way, but they are happening.

It’s these conversations that bring that horrible number to mind. Hearing people comment on weight or what someone weighs and knowing that they aren’t even remotely close drives me crazy. How do I know that? Because in all these years, and all these moments, no one has ever come close to guessing what I weigh. I’ve always wondered if they were just trying to be polite, so they said a lower number, so today I put that theory to the test.

I shared my before picture with my Facebook friends and family and asked the question, What do you think I weigh in this picture? The results have been very enlightening.

There was a spread of over 145 lbs in all the guesses. They ranged from 210 pounds to 355 pounds, which, thankfully, has proved the point that I was hoping to make.

THE NUMBER DOESN’T MEAN DIDDLY SQUAT.

It is almost impossible for a person to look at you and actually know what you weigh, yet we get so caught up in that number that it can consume us. It becomes this literal weight that holds us down or limits us from believing we can ever change. It becomes this thing that we hate or a measurement that determines our worth on a day-to-day basis.

For example, look at this picture. All of these ladies weigh the exact same, and yet none of them are shaped like another one. And in fact, we would probably guess all of theirs weights at something different just by looking at them.

   Image Source

We cannot get so caught up in what the scale is yelling at us as it’s nothing more than a number. We have to stop worrying what people think or see when they look at us because their eyes see what they want to anyways. We need to look at our friends and family and see them as our loved ones and not as a shape. We need to not assume that we know what’s going on inside someone’s body or head or heart based on what they look like. We need to read this and recognize that we have no idea sometimes, and then just leave it at that.

And as for me, well, no one guessed my weight correctly. So here it is friends … how far off were you??

As I look at these numbers, I can say with certainty that I will keep working on losing weight and getting myself to a lower number on the scale. But what I won’t be doing is letting that stupid number tell me or anyone else that I’m not good enough, that I have to be something better, or that I am not worthy.

Instead, I will focus on being healthy and happy and no longer worry about how much space I take up in the world. I will look at the number on the scale and use it as a measurement to keep myself on track and not allow it to be anything more that that. I own that number now, it no longer owns me.

I may still have a number attached to me, but don’t you dare use that number to try and sum me up. Guaranteed my value is at least triple what the scale is saying. Never forget that.

What did this week bring me?

  • The entrance into the 200’s, a number range that I haven’t visited in a long time.
  • A fabulous weekend of fun with my husband celebrating our 24th Wedding Anniversary
  • The realization and acceptance that I do, in fact, need to go buy pants.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 28 and Finding Joy in the VEEERRRY Long Journey

I’ve been feeling a little whiny and annoyed this week with this whole, stupid weightloss journey.

I’ve been having massive cravings for cake frosting, not cake, just frosting. I’m starting to get a hate on for water and cucumbers and celery. Well, celery is an eternal hatred but its getting stronger. I feel like going out for a big fancy fondue meal would be pretty much the most perfect thing ever, but only the bread and cheese and chocolate and cheesecake part of the meal. And pumpkin spice lattes, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m hating Fall at the moment. Not the season but my lack of #PSL goodness.

It’s taking FOREVER to reach the end of this journey, which I’m fairly confident will be a forever one, which is a whole other kind of scary. I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much. I bounce between being okay with being fat and wanting to not be. I get mad at myself for letting it get as bad as it did, and then not really caring all that much that it did. Overall, my head is fairly messed up and upside down at the moment.

So, I turned to the place of knowledge and opinions, ie. Facebook, for some encouragement and found exactly what I needed. Many of my friends and acquaintances have lost weight so I asked them to share their milestones and celebrations from their weightloss journey’s. Their words opened my eyes and helped me to see things a little bit clearer.

Here’s some of their stories.

My SIL Charlene loved feeling comfortable with her shirt tucked into her jeans after her 40lb loss.

Being able to cross my legs – Jennifer

Stacey was thrilled to be able to shop in a store that wasn’t for plus sizes.

Zita was encouraged by milestones, like 10lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs, but achieving a 100lb loss was her mind blowing moment.

A few people shared that it was their progress pics that helped them keep going.

My brother Colin was thrilled to be able to do 25 sit-ups in a row.

When Sarah hit a healthy BMI and entered One-derland on the scale.

These were just some of their a-ha moments, and I’ve experienced quite a few of them. But after some thought, I’ve come up with a few more of my own.

I’m now able to sit in the chairs in waiting rooms, without feeling like the chair is about 17 times too small for my butt and that I’m going to be stuck in it forever.

When I go out for dinner, to eat my salads, I can fit in a booth without the table touching me.

I can see my feet, and I have ankles. Oh, and my size 11 feet seem to be shrinking. Hallelujah.

I have less of me in the way when I pick things up off the floor or tie my shoes.

It’s these moments that I need to take note of. Not the way off in the distance end results that I’m aiming for. Not the things that I’ve given up. Not the things that I’m craving. It’s these things that remind me of why I began and how far I’ve come. How far all of us on this journey have come.

It’s about Baby Steps people. Baby Steps.

What did this week bring me?

New pants that were FOUR sizes smaller.

5 people in my house got the Flu, and I DIDN’T! That is a massively big thing as I used to get sick at the drop of a hat.

I tried a bunch of new types of food … some were nasty, some were good. But I tried them, so that’s a success.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

 

 

Week 27 – The Week of Results with Pictures. Gah.

Well … I’m about half way through my year long journey and figured that it was time to share some pics and stats. I’m not overly thrilled about sharing because well, I’m not a fan of pictures of myself, but it’s time.

We’ll start with Weightloss, Measurements and some other numbers.

I HAVE LOST:

54lbs

5.75″ off my chest

2.75″ off my bicep

7″ off my waist

5.25″ off my hips

3.75″ off my thigh

BMI is down 5.8 points

Body Fat is down 6.59%

Blood Pressure went from 153/72 to 125/72

I have completely come off of Iron supplementation and daily pain medicine. I can walk up and down my stairs without getting winded. I can kinda/sorta paint my own toenails, if I wanted to but that’s what salons are for. I can’t wear pants without a belt, but I haven’t bought a belt yet, so I spend a lot of time hiking my pants back up when I walk. I can see my feet.

And now for pics … at first I didn’t see too much of a difference, and then I realized that I could see more of the white cabinet behind me, so I’m calling that a win.

There you go, half way in and a long way from the finish line, but I’m still going and that’s better than I usually do.  🙂 Woot, Woot.

Thanks for following my journey and encouraging me along the way … this is ridiculously hard to do, and you’ve all helped me in some way or another. High-Five Friends. xoxoxo

 

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

 

Week 26 and a HUGE Reminder

This post is almost a week late because frankly, I didn’t know what to write about. My journey has become fairly boring and predictable, which is a really good thing, but it doesn’t make for a great story.

I was trying to figure out how to skip a week, and then Facebook shared my lovely memories and it hit me. This journey is far from boring, it has saved my life. Literally.

It was one year ago, this week, that I was having my 3rd round of iron infusions. First pic was my blood transfusion and the final pic was my last infusion day.

A year ago, I was pretty much convinced that I was dying. I had zero hope and I felt like death walking. I absolutely needed to change my entire life but had no idea where to even begin, so instead, I just laid on my couch and prayed for the strength to get up and move. It was the most awful and horrible time in my life.

My days were spent either on the couch, at the doctor’s office or at the pharmacy picking up yet another prescription to try to give me some relief from the pain and infections and horribleness that was constantly attacking my body. But the beauty in that is that it was this same pharmacist that pulled me out of the despair. It was his voice that said to me, “are you ready to get better”?

I truly don’t know where I would be today, if I hadn’t listened to him and started on Ideal Protein. I’d like to say that I would’ve figured it out on my own, but that would be a total lie. I needed a guiding and supportive voice and someone who was a whole lot stronger than I was. Suhas was that person.

So, even though my journey isn’t all that exciting anymore, it’s a story of hope renewed. It is my chance to live the life that I deserve to live. I am so grateful that I listened to someone else’s voice and made the leap.

My head was a liar, thankfully I ignored it long enough to actually start over. I’m thankful for my past, and thrilled that I will never visit it again. What an amazing gift.

What did this week bring me:

~ A Weight gain of 0.5lbs – Gah

~ A loss of 2″

~ Pictures that reminded me of where I’ve been and where I refuse to revisit.

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.

Week 25 and Just Trusting the Process.

This week, I had the privilege of speaking to a bunch of people who were considering starting the Ideal Protein journey. It was a good but weird experience for me as there I was, the fat girl, talking about a diet and how great I’m doing on it. It’s a strange thing having people consider you as being successful when you’re not exactly feeling that way yourself. But I do feel it, but I also don’t. Sigh.

This weightloss – get healthy – change your brain journey is a really hard thing to work your way through. Your head says one thing, your heart says another and your eyes looking at you in the mirror are seeing and most definitely saying something altogether different still. I do believe that I’m now at the place where I just need to press forward and not think. Or as my coach says, you just need to trust the process and protocol.

One of the questions that I wanted to answer when I was talking to everyone was “why”, why did I choose Ideal Protein for this journey. I have a tonne of reasons, like convenience, simplicity, taste, ease of use and help available. Now as I look at it, I stand by all of them, but I’m realizing that the most important part of all of this has been my coach and his coaching team. These people have helped me in ways that they’ll never understand. They’ve kept me healthy, got me back on track when I was sliding off, celebrated with me, consoled me, kicked me in the butt and made me laugh. The Ideal protein plan and food are great, but it’s the support and guidance that comes along with them that has made the difference for me.

I have no problem losing weight, but I have massive problems with changing me and keeping it off. This team of people is helping me get to the other side of myself which is so awesome, because I most certainly cannot do it on my own. I have weight “losses” of close to 400 pounds to verify that fact and I’m SO excited that this journey will be the final chapter in The Road to Skinny book series that I’ve been writing FOREVER.

I’m sure I’ve said that before, but until now, I’ve never really felt it. I’ve never felt like I could be anything but Fat April. I’ve had the will but not the hope, and it took a team of people to really help me feel it. Hope is such a beautiful thing as it brings strength and joy and a will that’s much stronger than my own and as much as I love Fat April, I’m so looking forward to just being April.

This truly has been a lifelong battle, and I know that I will always have to fight and be diligent but I now know that it is a battle that can be won.

And thankfully, there are protein chips for the journey.  🙂

What did this week bring me:

  • A yummy RECIPE that is pretty darned close to my beloved Iced Capps & Frappucinos. Hallelujah.
  • A victory in the laundry room. I’m no longer fearful of my clothes shrinking in the dryer but am now hoping and praying that they actually will.  🙂
  • A new found appreciation and love for my village. I truly have the best team.
  • A loss of 5.5 lbs.

 

 

If you’re considering joining me on this journey, the next info session will be held on October 11th. Yes, I will be there sharing again. Woot. Woot. If you have any questions, it’s the perfect time to come check it out. Sign up HERE.