Tag Archives: diet

Week 44. Not Reaching My Goal

I’ve had this secret goal in the back of my head ever since I started this journey. I didn’t tell anyone but it was there. At times I’ve thought about it, I’ve hoped that it would happen, and then it turned into a “well that was a stupid idea” anyways kinda thought, and now here we are. I’m 4 weeks from the time limit that I gave myself to achieve it and well, it not going to happen.

My goal was to lose 100 pounds in a year. Unfortunately, unless a squirrel shows up in the middle of the night and chews off chunks of me, it’s about to become a goal that was just a grand idea.

To say that I’m not seriously annoyed with myself right now would be an absolute lie. I should’ve tried harder, I should’ve just done what I was supposed to do all along. I should’ve ate, and slept, and drank water and put myself first. My list of should’ve, could’ve would’ves is actually pretty long and it’s quite shameful. Without question, I should have reached this goal, and I need to own that.

So I am.

What I’m also not doing, is staying hung up in my crap and nonsense. I can’t. I’ve wasted enough time doing a half decent job and pretending like it was good enough. My brain convinced me that I was working hard, and being strong, but what I was really doing was just hanging on.

Has it been the best year of my life, and the most focused than I’ve ever been in a really long time? Yes, it most certainly has. Was it good enough? Nope, not by a long shot. So, what now?

Well, I keep going and I keep fighting. I’m journalling, and keeping myself accountability. I’m blogging the good and the bad. I’m being real. I’m acknowledging that I want to keep going, that I’m not done and that I can and will finish what I started.

What I need from you, as my friends and family is to support me in my choices. What that means is that I don’t need you to suggest I switch diet plans. That you don’t point out how well other people are doing on their diets. Don’t tell me to eat more fat, or less carbs, or more meat or less or more of whatever. I’ve chosen the plan that I want to follow, and I will continue following it.

Frankly, without this plan and my coach, I would’ve given up a VERY, VERY long time ago. This plan has kept me functioning and basically going, when I couldn’t do that for myself. This plan doesn’t have a problem, April has had a problem. Plain and simple.

I think the thing that I need to remember for myself and to remind all of you of, is how bad of a state I was in physically when I began this program. I had just stopped bleeding out after 18 long months of torture, I had just finished my 2nd round of iron infusions and blood transfusions and I was suffering from malnutrition. I had to literally drag myself off the couch to even get to the clinic. I was dealing with chronic pain and could hardly even function. I had slammed into peri-menopause and it was trying to kill me. I wasn’t just a fat girl looking to lose weight, I was a girl who was looking for a new lease on life.

And now, I am none of those things. I still have Fibromyalgia, but it doesn’t control me anymore. I have bad pain days, but they’re just parts of days and not weeks. My blood panels actually show that I have vitamins and nutrients in my body. I don’t need to lay on the couch anymore just to recharge. I am 60 pounds lighter. I am not who I was a year ago. And Ideal Protein is what has helped me get to where I am and for that I will forever be thankful.

So, in spite of not achieving my goal, I achieved something much greater.

I am alive. And I am okay.

That is a success story that I can be proud of.

What did this week bring me:

~ I went to bed at or before midnight every night, except once. The first night was really hard as I was WIDE awake at 4 am, but now I’m managing to sleep for almost 7 hours/night. I feel much clearer. (Who knew only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep a night wasn’t a good thing for someone trying to be healthy)?¬† ūüôā

~ I ate really well and EVERY time I was supposed to.

~ I actually listened to all of my alarms and did what they were telling me to, as opposed to my usual shutting them off and/or pretending like I didn’t hear them. LOL.

~ I lost 1.5 pounds. Slowly but surely right?

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

Weeks 42 and 43. What is that Beeping??

Well, as per usual, I’ve fallen behind in my storytelling and have let 2 more weeks slide right by. I’ve been super busy and haven’t found a whole lot of free moments to write, but if I’m being brutally honest, I just didn’t want to write. Not for any particular reason, or because things were falling apart, but because I just wasn’t feeling it.

What I have been feeling is a fair amount of disappointment. And annoyance. And frustration. And a whole lot of defeat.

It’s been almost 10 months, and it’s hard to not feel like I should be SO MUCH farther ahead in this journey than I am. I just keep bouncing up and down and all around a 60 lb loss. I can’t seem to move past it, and I slide away from it more times than I’d like to admit. But here I sit .. stuck.

I have friends on other plans that are losing weight like crazy. I see other people on the same plan as me and they’re doing way better. I see all the weightloss ads and commercials and question myself and my slow turtle like pace that I seem to be stuck at. I see all of these things and my brain tries to convince me that I suck. That I’m a failure and that I should just give up.

And that’s where the annoyance kicks in. Why do I still get in my own way? Why haven’t I figured out how to shut up my brain up yet? Why can’t I just say, Hokey Dinah, losing 60 lbs is a BIG thing? I’m so annoying and frustrating … to myself. I’m hoping that the “still very motivated and wanting to finish” side of my brain will take over the other “wussy, whiny and difficult” side much sooner than later so I can actually finish what I’ve started. I need my head to just be quiet.

On the flip-side though, in the midst of this frustration, I was able to get myself more focused and back on track. I think that because I’ve been plugging along for so long now that I was letting the little things slide. I ‘d become stuck in this holding pattern and assumed that I was still following the plan and doing what I needed to. Yeah, No, that really wasn’t the case anymore. I was still doing pretty good, but I’m hoping that it’s these tiny little things that have been slowing me down. And now that I’ve spotted them, I know what to do about them.

I’ve turned the alarms back on, pulled out my food journal and fired up the apps and it seems to be helping me. It’s giving me something else to focus on as opposed to the lack of faith in myself. It’s the little reminders to do all the things that I seem to forget. They’re the sounds that pull me out of my head and put me back on track.

      

Yes, I’ve got alarms to remind me to eat and to go to bed. My phone beeps to remind me to take my vitamins and meds. I’ve got a watch that’s constantly telling me to stand up and get moving. I’ve got a journal that I’m forcing myself to write in, I say forcing because I hate doing it, and because it shows me the bad choices that I’ve made for myself. I’ve got an encouraging husband and an incredible coach.

I need to remember to hold onto these things and these helpers because sometimes their strength is the only strength I have.

So, in spite of my weakness, I’m here and I’m feeling MUCH stronger than I did even a week ago. Don’t be alarmed by all the beeps and bells when I’m in the room with you and if you catch me online or texting after my bedtime, please tell me to go to bed. I need all of you to help me see this journey through to the end. I still can’t do this on my own, so please lend me some of your strength for a little while so I can keep running.

I look forward to seeing you all at the finish line.

What did these past 2 weeks show me?

  • That Peri-Menopause and Weight Loss aren’t the greatest of friends.
  • That I need to drink more water, even though I was CONVINCED that I was drinking a ridiculous amount already.
  • That I do SO much better when I do food prep, and only have to cook once/week. Cause, seriously cooking is the worst.
  • That I miss flip-flops and hate socks.
  • That even a loss of only half a pound is still a loss.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

Week 41. The No Good, Awful, Horrible Week

My kickstart, getting things back in order week started off beautifully. I did food prep, set up alarms and food diaries in my phone, sorted out my vitamins and got things started. I had 2 days of eating exactly how I’m supposed and was on track.

And then it happened, I threw up. For the next 18 hours. For almost 5 days, I lied on the couch riding out the glorious sickness that is Norwalk. I’d love to say that it’s a fabulous way to lose weight, but it’s so incredibly awful and horrible, that weightloss isn’t even a consideration. I was more focused on not dying than stepping on a scale. LOL.

Just when I thought, all was good and I could get things going again, one of my kids came up from the basement and said “I went downstairs and my socks are all wet now”. Gah.

I went to the basement to discover that our septic system has backed up into our playroom and gym. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry as I stood there in the muck while I madly texted my husband to COME HOME NOW.

Thankfully, my children provided the distraction that I so desperately needed when someone proclaimed, “So you’re telling me that this is poop water”. Oh the laugh we had when the child that had discovered the flood, realized that he had poopy water on his socks and he started heaving and laughing/crying. Oh how I needed that laugh as I surveyed that wet and stinky mess.

That moment started a chain of phone calls to electricians, insurance adjuster and disaster clean-up people. It was workers coming into our home at midnight to survey damages and start cleaning. It has been a non-stop flurry of activity and work crews, but what it hasn’t been is order and focusing on my health. As usual, survival mode and just getting through took over and my desire to eat vegetables flew out the window with all of my basement flooring.

I’m starting to feel like the Universe doesn’t want me to get back on track and complete this journey that I’ve put myself on. I get motivated, and then boom here’s a wall. And then, woot, survived another obstacle and them, boom, here’s another speed bump in my way. I know it’s life and that there will always be bumps and lumps and things in the way, but I need to figure out how to take care of me while I ride them out.

I have no problem taking care of the problem, or the kids or the friends that are going through it with me, but I just cannot figure out how to take care of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suffering mentally or feel like I’m falling apart and can’t handle it. But what I get caught up in, is putting all of my time and energy into helping others and forgetting that I need to eat, take my vitamins, drink water, go for a walk. All of that, literally, leaves my brain. It will be 7pm, I’ll have a wicked headache, and I’ll realize that all I’ve had to eat that day is a protein shake.

I really need to get a handle on this, or I’m going to be floundering forever. So friends, how do I do this? How do I find the strength, or maybe it’s desire to put myself first? How does one find the time to do all they need to do for themselves on TOP of what they’re already doing for others? How do I finally find myself?

I’ve always said that losing weight and getting healthy is more of a re-wiring of the brain as opposed to just eating better. I know that I obviously need to eat for nutrition and not just for pleasure, I need vegetables over sugar, I need less crap and more goodness BUT I also need to shut off the garbage voices in my brain that are constantly pulling me off my new path.

Frankly, being more than 100¬†lbs overweight isn’t just because of chips and Iced Capps, there’s a whole lot of other things going on in my world. It’s those things that will make or break this journey and that’s one of the reasons that I’m so thankful that I have a diet coach. He gets to handle all of the technical and food stuff so I don’t have to think about that, and I can think about the rest of it. He can’t fix my head but he can carry half of this burden and help me find me again. He’s my voice of reason when I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and getting stuck in a rut. I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far on my own, as I appear to be my own worst enemy.

I said all of that to say this … Find your people before you set out on any massive journey. People that will just be in your corner and will hear you vent without giving you advice. We need people who will guide us and lead us, but we also need quiet voices that will just stand there quietly and wish you the best. Find someone to walk the journey with you. Find people who will make sure that when you’re invited over or out, that they’ll have food for you OR will not spend the whole evening telling you it’s okay to “just have one”. In other words, find people who love you and want you to succeed. This is not something that you can do on your own, especially if you want this change to be forever. It’s easy to lose weight, or quit drinking or give up sugar or carbs for a season … it’s the long game that needs the extra love.

Find those “extra” people and hang on tight because there will be days where your basement fills with crap and you’re going to need them.

What did I learn this week?

  • that we need an alarm on our septic system ūüôā
  • that throwing-up is NOT for adults.
  • that I still have a long way to go, but that I’m slowly but surely getting there.
  • that I have an AMAZING husband that jumped in and completely took over as Mom & Dad so I could be quarantined away from everyone to ensure Norwalk didn’t take us ALL down.
  • that I have some really cool people in my corner

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

 

 

 

 

Weeks 34-40 …. Giving in, Giving Up or Going Forward

I’m sure that many of you are assuming that I finally quit and gave up on my diet as I basically just disappeared. Thankfully, you’d mostly be wrong.

I didn’t quit, I just got completely stuck in my life and the incredibly busy but very successful launch of my new business. I literally had zero spare minutes to do anything outside of make products to sell. It was a ridiculous but fabulous experience, but now I need to get myself back on track.

I’m fairly disappointed in myself though as I immediately fell back into my old patterns of ignoring myself and my needs to take care of the tasks at hand. As per usual, I stopped eating, I didn’t take any of my medications or vitamins, I drank almost no water but more than a couple of Coke Zeros. I SO thought I had a better handle on this crap, but here I was, in the middle of this crazy train and I was right back to the beginning of my journey.

This whole putting yourself first thing is WAY harder than I ever dreamed it would be. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve had to try and conquer before and I’m so annoyed that I just can’t beat it. It’s frustrating enough that it’s almost enough for me to just pack it all in and give it up. I’ve honestly thought about just walking away from this journey and just living my life.

It’s so dumb but this overwhelming feeling of “I suck so bad” was becoming almost stronger than my resolve to just get to the end of my journey. I’ve had more than a few dark moments this last month as I’ve floundered about in the chaos and I’ve come very close to just avoiding my coach for the rest of my life.

And then a friend shared this picture online.

That was me on December 31 of last year.

It is the first picture I’ve seen of myself where I actually see a difference. I am NOT that same person anymore. I am not only smaller, but I’m so less tired, so less sore and just overall “better”.

I need to remember that. I also really needed to see this picture. It will serve as the new image in my brain that reminds me that in spite of all of my shortcomings and my failures, I have done well. I have changed. I have actually accomplished something.

This journey has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s me. Imperfectly perfect, and all kinds of messy.

In acknowledgment of that, I’ve reset all the alarms in my phone to remind me to take my meds & vitamins. I’ve got my fitness tracker turned on. I’m writing down everything I eat and holding myself accountable. I’m meal planning. I’m drinking water again. And I’m back here, online with all of you.

Day One of 2018 is in the bag. I can do this.

What has this month shown me?

  • That I’m not “fixed”, but I’m most definitely fixable.
  • That I need to be gentler with myself and be okay with not always being okay.
  • That I do, in fact, really, really want to finish what I’ve started.
  • That I need to tell my coach that I ate whatever I wanted for 7 days straight.¬† ūüôā Sorry, Not Sorry. Thank-you for always being on my side, it’s so nice knowing that someone is in my corner.
  • That 2018 will be MY year.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

Weeks 32, 33 and The Big Cheat.

When I made the decision to blog my weight loss journey, I promised to be honest along the way. This has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve dieted before but I’ve never shared my experience like this, and that’s been, at times, really hard to do. It’s not an easy thing opening up about your successes, your failures, your blips along the way and all of the emotions that come along with them. But I’ve been doing it, and will continue to do so until I reach my goal weight. (Which I really still don’t have, outside of it needs to start with the number one).

So …. the big cheat.

Another two weeks have flown by and there’s been A LOT going on in my world. Some of my littles are dealing with some really major stuff, which just about kills me, especially since I can never talk about it and just get it all out there. My new business is set to launch and in working so hard on it, my Fibro chose to have a massive flare-up and my hands swelled up to twice their normal size. I’ve got some personal issues going on in my life that I’m trying to work through and or walk away from. I’m helping my family with a bunch of stuff, and overall, life is just crazy. Just like it is for most of us, all the time, so excuse my whiny list of excuses and justification for bad behaviour. LOL.

We had booked a week away with all the kids, but at the last-minute, they all decided that they just wanted to stay home and work or hang out with friends. So, we sold our week away to another big foster family and decided to stay home. After some chatting, the husband and I decided to just leave our party pooper children at home and ran away by ourselves. We chose to head south of the border and do a bunch of Christmas shopping and buy me some much-needed clothes. We went to Target, my happy place, drank Starbucks and wandered around in the peace and quiet. It was glorious.

It was also 4 days of me not caring about what I was eating. I ate when I was hungry, and ordered what looked good. I skipped a couple of meals because, frankly, there was shopping to be done. I had a #PSL, more than once and it was good. So good. I didn’t eat a single salad.

I gained 11 pounds.

I came home very happy and refreshed, but also very bloated and more sore than I’ve been in a very long time. The trip was an epic failure in the “get April healthy” journey but it was also very encouraging and exciting at the same time and this is why.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t obsess about what I was putting in my mouth. Not in a bad way or a good way, I just ate. I also didn’t, not even once think that I should just go crazy and eat anything and everything because I’ve already screwed up my food for the day. Food didn’t control me. In fact, it was just food and nothing more.

For me, that is HUGE. I have been terrified of what would happen when I opened the doors and ate something that wasn’t on my weight loss plan. Would I completely fall off the wagon and go backwards, like I always have? Would I choose to eat 47 cookies instead of the 1 that I was craving? Would I say Screw it, this is hard. There are things that taste better than skinny feels. Would I feel like I failed yet again?

I don’t feel any of these things. I am home, I’m back on track and I’m continuing on my journey. I still have close to 100 lbs¬†to go, so this story will be a very long one, BUT I am so encouraged to know that I AM GETTING BETTER. My brain is changing. My heart is changing. I am changing.

So as epic of a failure this past week was, it was exactly what I needed.

This journey is so much more than just sheer will and a desire to change. It’s about recognizing my weaknesses, figuring out how to change them and celebrating when it actually occurs. It’s about not letting a bad choice, or in this case, about 11 of them, derail me and send me reeling.

It’s about Losing myself and finding me, in so many ways.

Now back to the plan and the protocol, because 100%, without question, this is working.

Thank-you Coach for helping me along this far and please don’t be too mean to me after you read this blog. ūüėČ

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Weeks 30, 31 and The Big Nothing.

I’ve been so stinking busy that I forgot to write, not for one week but for two weeks in a row. It’s been non-stop appointments, sick kids, and the starting of a new business. (Which has been a total hush, hush project by they way). It’s been a lot, to put it mildly.

A year ago, being this busy would’ve been almost more than I could’ve bared, but here I am. Busy and not needing to go and collapse on a couch. I think that alone is my success for the month.

I am doing exactly what I need to be doing, and I still have the energy to do a little bit more.

When I started this whole weight loss journey, this is what I wanted to feel. I wanted to feel like a human being that wasn’t sitting on deaths door. It took 31 weeks and the loss of 65 pounds for me to feel like I’ve actually accomplished something significant.

You don’t really understand what chronic pain, the unknown and fear does to a person, until it’s pretty much gone.

This is a really nice place to be.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A whole lotta nothing … and the best kind of nothing ever. No pain. No Dr. Death feeling. No anything. I’ve never been a happier loser before.
  • Loss of a couple more pounds.
  • An almost ready to launch business
  • A new vehicle.

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session.  They will be held every Wednesday at 630 pm during November at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. You can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 28 and Finding Joy in the VEEERRRY Long Journey

I’ve been feeling a little whiny and annoyed this week with this whole, stupid weightloss journey.

I’ve been having massive cravings for cake frosting, not cake, just frosting. I’m starting to get a hate on for water and cucumbers and celery. Well, celery is an eternal hatred but its getting stronger. I feel like going out for a big fancy fondue meal would be pretty much the most perfect thing ever, but only the bread and cheese and chocolate and cheesecake part of the meal. And pumpkin spice lattes, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’m hating Fall at the moment. Not the season but my lack of #PSL goodness.

It’s taking FOREVER to reach the end of this journey, which I’m fairly confident will be a forever one, which is a whole other kind of scary. I don’t feel like I’ve changed all that much. I bounce between being okay with being fat and wanting to not be. I get mad at myself for letting it get as bad as it did, and then not really caring all that much that it did. Overall, my head is fairly messed up and upside down at the moment.

So, I turned to the place of knowledge and opinions, ie. Facebook, for some encouragement and found exactly what I needed. Many of my friends and acquaintances have lost weight so I asked them to share their milestones and celebrations from their weightloss journey’s. Their words opened my eyes and helped me to see things a little bit clearer.

Here’s some of their stories.

My SIL Charlene loved feeling comfortable with her shirt tucked into her jeans after her 40lb loss.

Being able to cross my legs – Jennifer

Stacey was thrilled to be able to shop in a store that wasn’t for plus sizes.

Zita was encouraged by milestones, like 10lbs, 20lbs, 40lbs, but achieving a 100lb loss was her mind blowing moment.

A few people shared that it was their progress pics that helped them keep going.

My brother Colin was thrilled to be able to do 25 sit-ups in a row.

When Sarah hit a healthy BMI and entered One-derland on the scale.

These were just some of their a-ha moments, and I’ve experienced quite a few of them. But after some thought, I’ve come up with a few more of my own.

I’m now able to sit in the chairs in waiting rooms, without feeling like the chair is about 17 times too small for my butt and that I’m going to be stuck in it forever.

When I go out for dinner, to eat my salads, I can fit in a booth without the table touching me.

I can see my feet, and I have ankles. Oh, and my size 11 feet seem to be shrinking. Hallelujah.

I have less of me in the way when I pick things up off the floor or tie my shoes.

It’s these moments that I need to take note of. Not the way off in the distance end results that I’m aiming for. Not the things that I’ve given up. Not the things that I’m craving. It’s these things that remind me of why I began and how far I’ve come. How far all of us on this journey have come.

It’s about Baby Steps people. Baby Steps.

What did this week bring me?

New pants that were FOUR sizes smaller.

5 people in my house got the Flu, and I DIDN’T! That is a massively big thing as I used to get sick at the drop of a hat.

I tried a bunch of new types of food … some were nasty, some were good. But I tried them, so that’s a success.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.