Tag Archives: failure

Weeks 34-40 …. Giving in, Giving Up or Going Forward

I’m sure that many of you are assuming that I finally quit and gave up on my diet as I basically just disappeared. Thankfully, you’d mostly be wrong.

I didn’t quit, I just got completely stuck in my life and the incredibly busy but very successful launch of my new business. I literally had zero spare minutes to do anything outside of make products to sell. It was a ridiculous but fabulous experience, but now I need to get myself back on track.

I’m fairly disappointed in myself though as I immediately fell back into my old patterns of ignoring myself and my needs to take care of the tasks at hand. As per usual, I stopped eating, I didn’t take any of my medications or vitamins, I drank almost no water but more than a couple of Coke Zeros. I SO thought I had a better handle on this crap, but here I was, in the middle of this crazy train and I was right back to the beginning of my journey.

This whole putting yourself first thing is WAY harder than I ever dreamed it would be. It’s probably the hardest thing I’ve had to try and conquer before and I’m so annoyed that I just can’t beat it. It’s frustrating enough that it’s almost enough for me to just pack it all in and give it up. I’ve honestly thought about just walking away from this journey and just living my life.

It’s so dumb but this overwhelming feeling of “I suck so bad” was becoming almost stronger than my resolve to just get to the end of my journey. I’ve had more than a few dark moments this last month as I’ve floundered about in the chaos and I’ve come very close to just avoiding my coach for the rest of my life.

And then a friend shared this picture online.

That was me on December 31 of last year.

It is the first picture I’ve seen of myself where I actually see a difference. I am NOT that same person anymore. I am not only smaller, but I’m so less tired, so less sore and just overall “better”.

I need to remember that. I also really needed to see this picture. It will serve as the new image in my brain that reminds me that in spite of all of my shortcomings and my failures, I have done well. I have changed. I have actually accomplished something.

This journey has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but that’s me. Imperfectly perfect, and all kinds of messy.

In acknowledgment of that, I’ve reset all the alarms in my phone to remind me to take my meds & vitamins. I’ve got my fitness tracker turned on. I’m writing down everything I eat and holding myself accountable. I’m meal planning. I’m drinking water again. And I’m back here, online with all of you.

Day One of 2018 is in the bag. I can do this.

What has this month shown me?

  • That I’m not “fixed”, but I’m most definitely fixable.
  • That I need to be gentler with myself and be okay with not always being okay.
  • That I do, in fact, really, really want to finish what I’ve started.
  • That I need to tell my coach that I ate whatever I wanted for 7 days straight.  🙂 Sorry, Not Sorry. Thank-you for always being on my side, it’s so nice knowing that someone is in my corner.
  • That 2018 will be MY year.


WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.


Floating, not sinking.

Today, I am broken and in the middle of a story that I will never share. It is private and runs deep but it consumes me and all that I am and all that I am about.

I am stuck in a place that I cannot fix and I cannot change. I have tried and tried and this time is coming to end. It’s a horrible feeling that makes me want to throw up, but somewhere in the back of that horrific feeling, I feel something that feels a little bit like relief. Relief mixed with sadness, or something like that. I don’t know.

I feel like a tightness that has been consuming me, is starting to loosen it’s grip. I feel like this isn’t the most worst thing ever, but is somewhere in the middle. It’s SO not good, but maybe, just maybe it isn’t so bad. Every moment, I “feel” a little bit less, and I think that’s a good thing. But then I know it isn’t.

I hate not winning especially when it means that I’m losing …. is this losing? Or is this winning? Bah.

Why is life so incredibly tough sometimes? And unfair. And difficult. And crappy.

Have you ever been in this same place? A place where no answer is right, and no matter what happens, there’s going to be a hole. When you close your eyes, you’d like to just be able to sleep for a little bit, and then wake up and have it all done and over with. A place where your heart has way more power than your brain, and your heart is wrong. When you question every word, and every decision you’ve ever spoken or made in your current situation. When you want to sit down and cry, not because you’re sad or mad or really anything, but just because. In the middle of a story where the ending is wrong, or a chapter seems to have been forgotten. This is a horrific place to be, and I really wish I knew why it was happening. I hate not knowing.

BUT thankfully, there are some things that I do know.

I know that every day and every moment serves a purpose.

I know that this story isn’t over, that the ending may be different, but the story will continue.

I know that I have done all that I could, and have to let myself trust that.

I know that tomorrow or the next week, I will be blessed with new challenges and situations and that today will make be better equipped to deal with them.

I know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this very moment.

I know that I’m going to be okay, and that my journey isn’t over.

If you’re stuck in a similar boat as me, hang in there. Not all things can be predicted or controlled, and sometimes, we just have to float.

So grab a paddle and a life jacket and join me. Maybe this little canoe will take us somewhere fancy … like a beach or a mall or somewhere that has naps.

Wherever it is … there’s going to be waves. Hang on friends, hang on.


I See You.

To the Mom standing at the back of the grocery store trying desperately not to cry while her toddler screams uncontrollably, I see you.

To the Mom that has just paid a babysitter to watch your kids so you can go and sit in your car up the street and read a book, I see you.

To the Mom that has just dropped her kids off at Ikea Smaland to not go shopping but to just wait at the restaurant in peace until your pager lets you know your break is over, I see you.

To the Mom that has left the television on for the past 4 hours straight just so you can lay on your couch uninterrupted, I see you.

To the Mom that is trying desperately to keep your eyes open while your kids play at the McDonalds playplace, I see you.

To the Mom that is hiding in her ensuite bathroom while her children sit on the other side of the door crying for Mommy, I see you.

Truth be told, I’ve been you.

I’ve been the Mom that is so tired that I can no longer think straight. The Mom that is looking for places to hide from all the noise and chatter that just doesn’t ever seem to stop. I’ve been the Mom that gives up on everything that I thought was important, just so I could get through the day.

I’ve been this Mom and I’m still a friggin’ good Mom. I need to remember that. You need to remember that.

This job that we’ve been blessed with is not an easy one. It truly is a gift that we have been given and sometimes it’s a craptastic gift that you’d love to return, but you don’t. Instead, you wrap it up at the end of the day and reopen it tomorrow. Tomorrow has been my saving grace on more than one occasion, and I for one am thankful that the gift of starting over is always available.

Every day I look into the eyes of my children and I see me. I see the best of me and sometimes the worst of me, and that can be a little bit scary. But at the same time, when I look into their eyes, I see how deeply they love me. How they see nothing but their Mom. They love me in spite of me. They love me regardless of how badly I screw up or how many times I’ve failed them. They are my gift.

I wish I could always remember these words when I’m in the middle of one of my really bad days, because more often than not, I don’t. But in my heart, I know them to be true. I may have moments filled with nothing but weakness but those are actually the moments that are making me better. It is during these days that I find out that I’m actually a stronger than I ever dreamed possible. It’s in these moments that I realize that being a Mom is exactly what I’m supposed to be.

So next time you find yourself desperately trying to escape a moment filled with craziness and noise, remember that you’re not a bad Mom. You’re not broken, you’re not a screw up, you’re not a failure and most importantly, you are not alone.

Welcome to the Imperfect Mom club. It’s where all the Good Mom’s hang out.