Tag Archives: fat

Weeks 42 and 43. What is that Beeping??

Well, as per usual, I’ve fallen behind in my storytelling and have let 2 more weeks slide right by. I’ve been super busy and haven’t found a whole lot of free moments to write, but if I’m being brutally honest, I just didn’t want to write. Not for any particular reason, or because things were falling apart, but because I just wasn’t feeling it.

What I have been feeling is a fair amount of disappointment. And annoyance. And frustration. And a whole lot of defeat.

It’s been almost 10 months, and it’s hard to not feel like I should be SO MUCH farther ahead in this journey than I am. I just keep bouncing up and down and all around a 60 lb loss. I can’t seem to move past it, and I slide away from it more times than I’d like to admit. But here I sit .. stuck.

I have friends on other plans that are losing weight like crazy. I see other people on the same plan as me and they’re doing way better. I see all the weightloss ads and commercials and question myself and my slow turtle like pace that I seem to be stuck at. I see all of these things and my brain tries to convince me that I suck. That I’m a failure and that I should just give up.

And that’s where the annoyance kicks in. Why do I still get in my own way? Why haven’t I figured out how to shut up my brain up yet? Why can’t I just say, Hokey Dinah, losing 60 lbs is a BIG thing? I’m so annoying and frustrating … to myself. I’m hoping that the “still very motivated and wanting to finish” side of my brain will take over the other “wussy, whiny and difficult” side much sooner than later so I can actually finish what I’ve started. I need my head to just be quiet.

On the flip-side though, in the midst of this frustration, I was able to get myself more focused and back on track. I think that because I’ve been plugging along for so long now that I was letting the little things slide. I ‘d become stuck in this holding pattern and assumed that I was still following the plan and doing what I needed to. Yeah, No, that really wasn’t the case anymore. I was still doing pretty good, but I’m hoping that it’s these tiny little things that have been slowing me down. And now that I’ve spotted them, I know what to do about them.

I’ve turned the alarms back on, pulled out my food journal and fired up the apps and it seems to be helping me. It’s giving me something else to focus on as opposed to the lack of faith in myself. It’s the little reminders to do all the things that I seem to forget. They’re the sounds that pull me out of my head and put me back on track.

      

Yes, I’ve got alarms to remind me to eat and to go to bed. My phone beeps to remind me to take my vitamins and meds. I’ve got a watch that’s constantly telling me to stand up and get moving. I’ve got a journal that I’m forcing myself to write in, I say forcing because I hate doing it, and because it shows me the bad choices that I’ve made for myself. I’ve got an encouraging husband and an incredible coach.

I need to remember to hold onto these things and these helpers because sometimes their strength is the only strength I have.

So, in spite of my weakness, I’m here and I’m feeling MUCH stronger than I did even a week ago. Don’t be alarmed by all the beeps and bells when I’m in the room with you and if you catch me online or texting after my bedtime, please tell me to go to bed. I need all of you to help me see this journey through to the end. I still can’t do this on my own, so please lend me some of your strength for a little while so I can keep running.

I look forward to seeing you all at the finish line.

What did these past 2 weeks show me?

  • That Peri-Menopause and Weight Loss aren’t the greatest of friends.
  • That I need to drink more water, even though I was CONVINCED that I was drinking a ridiculous amount already.
  • That I do SO much better when I do food prep, and only have to cook once/week. Cause, seriously cooking is the worst.
  • That I miss flip-flops and hate socks.
  • That even a loss of only half a pound is still a loss.

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

Week 41. The No Good, Awful, Horrible Week

My kickstart, getting things back in order week started off beautifully. I did food prep, set up alarms and food diaries in my phone, sorted out my vitamins and got things started. I had 2 days of eating exactly how I’m supposed and was on track.

And then it happened, I threw up. For the next 18 hours. For almost 5 days, I lied on the couch riding out the glorious sickness that is Norwalk. I’d love to say that it’s a fabulous way to lose weight, but it’s so incredibly awful and horrible, that weightloss isn’t even a consideration. I was more focused on not dying than stepping on a scale. LOL.

Just when I thought, all was good and I could get things going again, one of my kids came up from the basement and said “I went downstairs and my socks are all wet now”. Gah.

I went to the basement to discover that our septic system has backed up into our playroom and gym. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry as I stood there in the muck while I madly texted my husband to COME HOME NOW.

Thankfully, my children provided the distraction that I so desperately needed when someone proclaimed, “So you’re telling me that this is poop water”. Oh the laugh we had when the child that had discovered the flood, realized that he had poopy water on his socks and he started heaving and laughing/crying. Oh how I needed that laugh as I surveyed that wet and stinky mess.

That moment started a chain of phone calls to electricians, insurance adjuster and disaster clean-up people. It was workers coming into our home at midnight to survey damages and start cleaning. It has been a non-stop flurry of activity and work crews, but what it hasn’t been is order and focusing on my health. As usual, survival mode and just getting through took over and my desire to eat vegetables flew out the window with all of my basement flooring.

I’m starting to feel like the Universe doesn’t want me to get back on track and complete this journey that I’ve put myself on. I get motivated, and then boom here’s a wall. And then, woot, survived another obstacle and them, boom, here’s another speed bump in my way. I know it’s life and that there will always be bumps and lumps and things in the way, but I need to figure out how to take care of me while I ride them out.

I have no problem taking care of the problem, or the kids or the friends that are going through it with me, but I just cannot figure out how to take care of myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suffering mentally or feel like I’m falling apart and can’t handle it. But what I get caught up in, is putting all of my time and energy into helping others and forgetting that I need to eat, take my vitamins, drink water, go for a walk. All of that, literally, leaves my brain. It will be 7pm, I’ll have a wicked headache, and I’ll realize that all I’ve had to eat that day is a protein shake.

I really need to get a handle on this, or I’m going to be floundering forever. So friends, how do I do this? How do I find the strength, or maybe it’s desire to put myself first? How does one find the time to do all they need to do for themselves on TOP of what they’re already doing for others? How do I finally find myself?

I’ve always said that losing weight and getting healthy is more of a re-wiring of the brain as opposed to just eating better. I know that I obviously need to eat for nutrition and not just for pleasure, I need vegetables over sugar, I need less crap and more goodness BUT I also need to shut off the garbage voices in my brain that are constantly pulling me off my new path.

Frankly, being more than 100 lbs overweight isn’t just because of chips and Iced Capps, there’s a whole lot of other things going on in my world. It’s those things that will make or break this journey and that’s one of the reasons that I’m so thankful that I have a diet coach. He gets to handle all of the technical and food stuff so I don’t have to think about that, and I can think about the rest of it. He can’t fix my head but he can carry half of this burden and help me find me again. He’s my voice of reason when I feel like I’m just spinning my wheels and getting stuck in a rut. I know that I wouldn’t have made it this far on my own, as I appear to be my own worst enemy.

I said all of that to say this … Find your people before you set out on any massive journey. People that will just be in your corner and will hear you vent without giving you advice. We need people who will guide us and lead us, but we also need quiet voices that will just stand there quietly and wish you the best. Find someone to walk the journey with you. Find people who will make sure that when you’re invited over or out, that they’ll have food for you OR will not spend the whole evening telling you it’s okay to “just have one”. In other words, find people who love you and want you to succeed. This is not something that you can do on your own, especially if you want this change to be forever. It’s easy to lose weight, or quit drinking or give up sugar or carbs for a season … it’s the long game that needs the extra love.

Find those “extra” people and hang on tight because there will be days where your basement fills with crap and you’re going to need them.

What did I learn this week?

  • that we need an alarm on our septic system 🙂
  • that throwing-up is NOT for adults.
  • that I still have a long way to go, but that I’m slowly but surely getting there.
  • that I have an AMAZING husband that jumped in and completely took over as Mom & Dad so I could be quarantined away from everyone to ensure Norwalk didn’t take us ALL down.
  • that I have some really cool people in my corner

 

 

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

 

 

 

 

Week 23 plus a Few & Still Hanging On

It’s been a little while since I’ve written. Not because I gave in and quit, but because my life went insane. Who knew keeping 7 kids busy and on track all summer would be a tough task to accomplish? August was the month of seemingly unending doctors appointments, the moving in and out of kids, back to school prep and just all around chaos. I’ve hardly had a spare moment to think, forget about writing.

The good news, I’m still trucking along. At my slow snails pace, but still going nonetheless. A lot of the doctors appointments were for me, as some of my bad choices of my old lifestyle have come back to bite me in the butt. It’s been a pretty big reminder of how important taking care of myself really is. Not really caring for the majority of my life has left me with more issues than I’d like to even admit. BUT that’s okay, I’ll just keep going forward, I’ll just keeping choosing better and I’ll deal with whatever my body decides to throw at me as it comes along. Unfortunately, I can’t completely reverse some things, but I can most certainly stop them from getting worse, so that’s reason enough for me to keep trying.

I still continue to struggle with eating enough, and getting my brain to accept that vegetables are friends and not enemies. Every month, I do a little bit better, but I need to do more than just “a little bit” better. I need to stop being such a whiny baby and quit ignoring the reminder alarms that I’ve set in my phone to remind myself to eat. I need to not think about veggies as horrible awfulness. I need to just suck it up and deal already. I need to just stop hanging on and throw myself over the edge already.

As much as I appreciate feeling better and love that my painful bad weeks have become bad days, and more often than not, just bad moments, I now need to focus on losing weight. The past 6 months of “dieting” to get healthy have been awesome, but I’m now ready to diet to lose weight. My heart and my brain need a little switch as my journey is still so far from ending that I need a new motivation. Reality is, the more weight I lose, the better I’ll feel. I need the fat to stop crushing my organs and causing me pain. I need to be able to carry less of me around to give my joints and bones a break. I need my skin to stop rubbing on itself. I just need to not be fat anymore.

September 1st has always been my January 1st, so it’s New Years Resolution time friends. I’m now “officially” on a diet to lose weight. And for the first time in my life, I’m actually excited about this change and am looking forward to reaching some VERY close milestones.

I’ve been fat my entire life and I cannot wait to see what “not fat” feels like.

If you want to check out the Ideal Protein plan and see what I’m doing and why I love it, please come out to an upcoming information night. I’ll be there sharing a bit of my story and answering your questions along with some other fine folks. You’ll get to try some of the products and will receive a discount voucher to use if you decide to join. Follow this link to add your name to the attendance list.

Ideal Protein Information Night in Sherwood Park

And as a closing note, Thank-you for being on my support team by reading my posts, sending me encouraging notes and for joining this journey with me. This is tough to do, and having a team of people on my side really helps make things easier. Much Love to all of you.

The Week 16 Woosh

It’s been 4 months since I started this new way of eating and living, and if I’m being completely honest, it’s been the longest and shortest 16 weeks of my life. I realize that makes zero sense, but let me explain.

When I started this, all I wanted was to just feel better. To have less pain and more good days than bad days. Less headaches, less shaking and a much clearer head. Losing weight was just going to be a side effect of all the new healthy choices that I was making. Getting skinny was never my goal.

But then it got hard, really hard.

I was feeling better, which I was very thankful for. But the “side effects” that I was trying desperately not to focus on were becoming my measurement of success. These things were tangible. I could look in a mirror and see a difference. I could stand on the scale and watch the numbers go down. I could buy smaller clothes. I could pick up something off the floor without feeling like my body was in the way. These things suddenly mean something to me. My weight has become my measure of success.

In saying that though, I still don’t care what I weigh. Not the number anyway, well I think I don’t care. I like that the numbers are getting smaller, but I still have no idea what the number ever is. My coach always says Good Job, and I always have to ask if I lost. I really couldn’t tell you what I weigh. My weightloss has now become my measure of success, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I really don’t want to focus on my weight because the rest of the world already does enough of that for me, but my brain is feeling something different from what my heart wants. My head is in such a weird place as I try to work through all of these changes. I’ve never spent this much time trying to focus on myself and my needs. I’ve never really paid all that much attention to what I ate. Or what I did or didn’t do physically. Now I’ve got a coach that wants to know what and when I’m eating, and an Apple Watch that is constantly beeping at me telling me to stand up and move, or to Breathe and focus. This is, without question, the strangest place I’ve ever been.

Strange but good, and incredibly difficult all at the same time.

I’m having a hard time eating all the healthy food that I’m supposed to because it seems like it takes forever to chew it all. I used to have no problem eating 3 times the same amount in crappy food, and now when I look at my plate filled with goodness, I feel overwhelmed. Why do nachos and cactus cut fries just slide down your throat so easily anyways? I used to be able to drink 4 or 5 refills of Diet Coke when I’d go out for dinner, and now I can hardly get through 2 glasses of ice water. I’m not avoiding the good food, it just seems like it’s so much harder to eat. Maybe this is what satiated and full actually feels like. Hhhmmm….weird.

In spite of all these crazy thoughts, these 16 weeks have flown right by. I absolutely love Ideal Protein and the support that I’m getting, and I’m looking forward to all that comes in the next part of my journey.

I’m hopeful that the next 16 weeks will be where my “choices” become habits and that I won’t have to think about them quite so hard. That I will finally be able to shop in ANY store and not just the plus-size ones. That I will start to appreciate cooking a whole lot more. And that I will finally be able to stop thinking of myself as being on a diet.

I’m looking forward to just being.

What did Week 16 bring me?

  • A week in Banff with the Husband AND I stayed on plan. (I ignored the call of the Beaver Tail)
  • A new point of view in my brain
  • A new appreciation for cauliflower and how easily it can be turned into something super tasty.
  • I ate ALL my food this week, and I lost 6 more pounds. Guess eating does effect your weight. LOL.

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 13 and the Happiest Turtle Ever

Week 13 was a good week for me. I’m not sure why, but it was just a “good feeling” week. It was also a week of a lot of thinking and pondering and debating with myself.

As someone that’s overweight and on an never-ending diet, I’m the member of a lot of weight loss groups. I read a lot of posts, see a lot of new and awesome products and look at a lot of before and after photos. I’ve also been on more diets and followed more plans than I can ever even begin to write down. I’ve lost 100+ pounds on three different occasions. I am a professional dieter that has mastered the art of a quick fix and the ability to lose weight quickly. Problem is, I suck at changing myself and getting better. I can lose it almost as fast as I can gain it back. I’m so good at it that I should actually figure out how to add that skill to my resume.  🙂

Reality is, you don’t end up 100 lbs over weight by just overeating. It is so much bigger than that. It’s unhealthy choices, unhealthy habits and more often than not, the putting of oneself on the back burner. It’s about people choosing to put others first while they languish in the background. It’s about people who have lost hope and don’t feel like they can ever change. It’s about accepting where you’re at and either loving life or completely giving up. It’s about all or none of these things. Don’t ever think that losing 100 lbs is all about calories, because it isn’t. Trust me, my calorie intake is the least of my worries.

For me, I’ve always been floundering in the middle. I’ve never hated myself, never been depressed about my weight, never felt lonely or unlovable, never felt ugly or gross. I’ve always been very okay with who I am, despite of how I looked. But in saying that, I think that I turned my weight into a non-issue, which has both good and bad sides. I should have cared, not because of how I looked, but because I needed to think more about myself. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I deserved better than what I was accepting, and that is where I went wrong. I became okay with just being okay.

When I restarted this journey for what I’m calling “the first all-in time I’m on a diet”, my first instinct was to find the quickest and easiest way to lose weight. My first thought was that I needed to lose weight quickly so I’d feel better sooner. It still wasn’t about pounds, but it was about getting out of pain and discomfort as soon as possible. My head was still blaming everything on my weight, as opposed to my choices and/or my circumstances. BUT, I remembered my past diets and my crazy weight losing and gaining abilities and stopped myself from going in that direction.

I CANNOT LOSE WEIGHT AT WARP SPEED. I need to focus on me, my horrible bad habits, my historically bad choices and my lackadaisical outlook on life. My ability to be content in the midst of chaos and pain isn’t healthy. My willingness to give up all I am so that others may have it is an awesome thing, in theory. I’m just now understanding that I need to hang onto some of that for myself. I need time and a quick fix or a super fast loss will do nothing but change what I see in the mirror. Thankfully, I see that now.

When I started on the Ideal Protein journey, I knew that I had found something that worked for me. It’s forcing me to pay attention to myself and to actually be aware of not only what I’m eating, but how I’m feeling. The weekly check-in’s are keeping me accountable and keeping me out of my own head. Cause let me tell you, every time I see a before and after pic of someone that’s lost 25 lbs in 3 weeks, my brain wants to jump off my slow moving boat and get on that speedy one. This “diet” choice is also the first time, in all my years of dieting, that I haven’t felt like I’m on a diet. I’m tasting food that I’ve never even tried before. I’m feeling satiated after eating a big, healthy salad which still totally weirds me out by the way. My cravings for sugary goodness and midnight nachos have pretty much hit the road. And I feel good, my head gets a little bit more clear everyday and my body seems to be much less angry at me. This journey has truly been a gift to me and my family.

The run away from Fat April is not a race but a nice slow leisurely jog, and frankly, I’ve never liked sprinting. I’m one fine and happy fat Turtle.

Week 13 brought me this.

  • A massive revelation.
  • A new appreciation for my journey.
  • My worst bowling score ever. I SUCK at bowling.
  • Results. 33 lbs down, and 6 inches have disappeared from my waist.

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

Week 12 and Redefining the F-Word

Since I started this journey, I’ve been using the word Fat a lot to describe myself and the skin that I’m in. For as many times as I’ve said it, I’ve received just as many messages from friends telling me to stop calling myself that. They’ve all said that they don’t see me that way, that I’m being too hard on myself and that I should just love myself. Well, here’s my take on that.

Fat is no different than chubby or fluffy or plump or whatever other word people use when they’re trying to not use the word Fat. They all mean the same thing, some just sound prettier. I guess that I’ve heard all of these names for so many years now that I don’t really have any feelings about them and for that I’m thankful. Somewhere down the line, those negative and horrible words lost their power and became exactly what they are, just words.

The word Fat actually doesn’t define me. It never has and it never will. To me, it’s a descriptor, that’s it. Unless, you judge me based solely on my weight, then we’ve got a problem. You may remember this rant from a couple of years ago when I said something about the “look at the fat lady” jerky people. The difference lies in the delivery. The word Fat isn’t the issue, it’s the sentiment behind it. Talk to me and not about me, and you’ll quickly realize that fat isn’t who I am.

SO to my friends and the world in general, I ask this of you. When you look at me, it’s okay to see me as someone that is fat. But I hope you also see me and every other overweight person in the world as much more than that. Fat doesn’t even begin to describe a person’s character, their value or their story. Please don’t ever forget that and please for the love of all things, stop giving crap words so much power. We are all the same, just packaged differently.

My reality is this: I am fat. One day, I won’t be. I’m also tall, have really big feet, brown and reddish hair that is almost never brushed, and blue-ish green-ish eyes. I’m also gorgeous and hilarious, and pretty close to perfect. 🙂 Fat may be the most obvious thing that you see but let me tell you, that’s only the surface. My insides are much bigger and much more fabulous than you can even begin to grasp.

What you see as negative, I see as me. And I like me just fine.

What did week 12 bring me? 

A little bit more self-awareness and a deeper understanding of myself.

I ate asparagus and I didn’t die.

A waist-line. Who knew?

More inches lost, more pounds gone. A little bit less fat.

 

 

 

 

  • CONSIDERING JOINING ME ON IDEAL PROTEIN?  As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into  The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.

 

Winning at Week One

Well, my first week of Ideal Protein life has come to a close.

It went a whole lot better than I thought it would, a lot better. It’s amazing how much easier it is to be on a diet, without actually caring about how much weight you lose. There’s a weird freedom in that, a nice breathable kind of freedom.

When I look back on the week, the hardest thing about it was all the eating. For the first time, in a really long time, I made myself conscious of the choices I was making. I was eating on a schedule. I was satisfied when I was done and I felt hungry at the appropriate times. I wasn’t being controlled by food, I was controlling it. And frankly, it was kind of cool.

Day 3 & Day 4 were the days of massive headache. Apparently the body gets riled up and angry for a bit when you take away its crappy fuel source, and it starts burning its own fat stores. It wasn’t pretty, but some Advil, some salt and some electrolyte drinks later… I survived.

Day 5, I woke up and the inflammation in my hands was noticeably decreased. For anyone that knows me, they know that my hands hurt constantly, they swell, and I can’t overuse them or they just don’t work. I never would’ve thought that 5 days of nothing but good clean food, and no sugar would make such a difference in that particular area. Didn’t expect it, but I sure as heck appreciate it.

Day 6. I felt awake. Not the “I feel so tired” but now am awake kind of awake, but the kind where a fog has lifted and I can see.

Day 7.  Well it was just another day, and how awesome is that? I wasn’t focused on anything negative. It was just me, my veggies, my protein packs and it was a Monday. Who ever feels good on a Monday?

I really, truly didn’t feel like I was missing out on something this week. I didn’t feel like my life was ending because I couldn’t have an Iced Capp. I didn’t feel like I couldn’t do this. I felt like I was finally on my way to feeling better.

And now as I sit down to write about it, I’m actually having a really hard time finding the words to describe this past week, as my brain & my heart seem to have shifted. Shifted into a place or an attitude or a thought process that it’s never experienced before. I guess that drop into Rock Bottom turned something on. Or off. Whatever it did, I like it.

I’m super excited to see what the rest of 2017 brings. I’ve taken before pictures, weights and measurements and will share them some day. But not today.

For today, I give you this. My results from Week One. I’ve got less overall pain, less inflammation, a much brighter outlook, and I weigh 12.2 lbs less. I call that a good start to a good thing.

Week One. Win.

  • I’m SO thankful for my coach, Suhas and his team at The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park. They’re very encouraging, very supportive and have lots of great ideas and advice to share. They’ve also graciously made an offer for all of my friends that want to join me in this adventure. If you let them know that you read this blog and want to join my Dream Team of Losers (yes, I’ve given my little group a name), they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. I’d LOVE to have some company and a listening ear for the not so good days that I’m sure will eventually show up. If you want more info, send me a message. Or reach out to the Coach here.