Tag Archives: not giving up

Weeks 45-56. The Art of Losing Everything BUT Weight.

I’ve been struggling to write a blog post for longer than I care to admit, but until I looked right now, I had no idea that it’s been this long.

I’m feeling fairly ashamed. Super Lazy. And a crap tonne of overwhelmed.

This has been a very, very, very long journey and I’m just so very tired of trying.

To get you all caught back up …. my lose weight and get skinny plan has completely sucked. Not a little bit but a whole lotta bit. I’d like to say that something cataclysmic happened so I could at least blame it on that, but of course, no such thing happened. It’s all me. All my doing and about 42 steps backwards.

I’ve managed to gain back 12 pounds that I’d hope I’d said goodbye to forever.  I had a set back in the IUD, correct all the bleeding nonsense and had to deal with all of that again. (Sorry, not sorry for the TMI there). I stopped going to bed at a decent hour. I started drinking Diet Pop again. I pretty much found all of my old habits and picked them right back up. I’m so annoying.

In the midst of all that, I’ve been enjoying more pain than I’ve had in quite awhile, and I’m sort of feeling like that may have been the beginning of my undoing. My elbows hurt, my chest aches, my legs are filled with shooting pain and my hands only work properly half the time. My body and mind lost the focus that I had firmly placed on myself and turned it towards pain. Is that what happened? Or can that at least be my excuse for falling backwards?

But now, as per usual, as I read my little diatribe above, I think I may have gained some insight into why I’ve been suffering more than usual. Fibro sucks, but if I’ve learned anything over this past year, it’s that when I’m focused and living a healthy life, I feel better. Much better. And with that realization, my good excuse flies right out the window. Sigh.

This journey is hard. So hard. Not the diet, not the giving up of sugar and all it’s wonderful tastiness, not the stepping on the scale every week or all the ups and downs. It’s the changing of your brain, and actually being able to listen to your heart and mind. Learning when to celebrate, when to hang on and when to let go. It’s being okay with who you are, every step of the way, while still wanting to work on change. It’s about eating and not getting so caught up in all the “I can’t haves” and choosing to have nothing instead. It’s about water and not Diet Coke. It’s not about getting skinny, it’s about living.  And living well.

It truly is about losing yourself and finding yourself all at the same time. I’ve always said that, but these past few months have really affirmed my words and are helping me to navigate this journey. I don’t fully understand the transition from overweight and unhealthy to healthy and smaller, but I’m getting there. Slowly but surely, and I’m still going. That’s got to count for something, right?

I’ve been quite disheartened and upset with myself about this blip, but I’ve decided to use a little bit of grace ON ME and to look at all the things that I HAVE accomplished over this past year.

  • I bought new pants yesterday and they are 4 sizes smaller than they were last year.
  • I can see my feet, which is something skinny folk will never understand. But trust me, it’s a big deal.
  • I still weigh 46 pounds less than when I started.
  • I’ve learned a lot about myself and many of my food triggers. And that pain really, really messes up my head and my ability to focus.
  • I’ve got an amazing support team and a coach that really, truly cares about me, where I’m at and where I’m going. I knew I had good people in my corner, but this year has really helped me find the people who matter most, and which ones want only the best for me. It’s been enlightening to say the least. Who knew a diet could do all that??
  • I am NOT on any iron supplements or B shots of any kind. I am officially off the transfusion and infusion train.
  • I no longer dream about bread. I am, or should I say, I was so weird.

I’ve had two really good weeks, and feel like I’m finding my way again. My pain goes up and down and so does the scale, but I’m doing more than okay. I’m going to finish this journey because I deserve to feel good all the time. This up and down, happy/sad, healthy/unhealthy nonsense just needs to come to an end.

I’m determined to make that happen.

Yes, I’m still doing Ideal Protein. I’ve still been weighing in weekly and working with my coach to try to push through all of this nonsense. He’s my calm in this storm, and has been the main reason why I haven’t just completely given up and accepted “fat” as my fate. He supports me, even though my journey hasn’t been easy or looked like how many people’s Ideal Protein journey’s look. BUT I know that without this plan and my coach, I wouldn’t be where I am right now and that is super important to remember. Not only for the world, but for me. I cannot do this on my own, time has proven that over and over.  I need a village and a plan.

So with that in mind, I’m giving you all permission to help me. Remind me to make good choices. Tell me to blog if I don’t. Encourage me. Point it out if you see my slipping. You’ve all been a big part of my story, and I need all of you to help me get through this. AND if there’s any way that I can encourage you or help you in your journey, please let me know. My joy comes from helping others, and really, who couldn’t use a little bit of joy?

Thank-you for being my people.

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? The best way to learn more about the Ideal Protein plan  is to register for a free information session. You can find out when the next sessions are on this page.  Anyone attending the info session will earn a voucher for 1/2 the registration fee should you choose to join the program. And if you mention that you learned about them by reading my blog, you will also earn a special welcome bonus. My coach is based out of Sherwood Park at the local Medicine Shoppe pharmacy and he and his team are INCREDIBLE.  You can reach out to the Coaching team here.

 

 

Weeks 21, 22 and Losing my Will

These past 2 weeks have been really hard. Really hard.

Circumstances, pain flare-ups, situations, and moments out of my control have more or less consumed me for the past 2 weeks. In that consumption, I’ve lost sight of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m at the place where I want to just quit, and be done, and go back to not really caring. I want to go out with my friends and eat whatever I want. I want to eat toast for breakfast.

Unfortunately, I also really want to not hurt. I want to shop in any store and pick out any clothes and put them on and have them fit me. I want to feel super comfortable in my skin and not think about how other people see me. I want to be healthy. I want all of the things that I don’t have right now.

And there-in lies the problem.

I’m done but I’m so NOT done at the same time. When I think about all of the things that I’m whining and complaining about, they’re so stupid. Boo-Hoo, I can’t have cake. I have to eat vegetables and steak and not a plate of nachos. Oh woe is me. I’m actually having a pity party for myself over the loss of sugar, and the overall feelings of crappiness that it fills me with. It makes absolutely no sense, but here I am, wallowing in it. Like an idiot.

The funny thing is, in all of this whining, I haven’t been cheating. I haven’t been eating at McDonalds or sneaking Iced Capps. I’ve just been surviving on mostly air, some water and a protein shake or two. I also had a moment, and drank 2 Diet Cokes, which resulted in 3 days of extreme bloating, joint pain and the worst headache that I’ve had in a long time. Instead of eating the bags of veggies I’ve pre-cut for myself, and the meals that I’ve got frozen in the freezer, I chose Diet Pop.

Explain that to me. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why is it so incredibly hard for me to give a rats behind about myself? Why can I look into the eyes of my children and want for them to be healthy and happy and strong? Or at my husband? Or my parents? Or my friends? Why can I see it, and feel it for everyone else but still not feel it for myself? Intellectually I get it, and I understand why it needs to happen. But I don’t “feel” it.

Or am I just being lazy and choosing the easy way through this instead of focusing on what I really need to do? 45 years of being fat, 97% really happy and fairly successful is what I know. It’s safe and it’s who I’ve always been. Do I not want it bad enough? Is that what this is? Laziness?

I don’t think it is though because if I shut my brain off and listen to my heart,  I KNOW that I really do want more of what the world has to offer. And that this body and my health is stopping me from experiencing everything. I want it, and I have flashes of feeling it, but I just can’t get it to stick. Maybe I just answered my own question though … maybe it’s about shutting my brain off, ignoring the nonsense in my head and just focusing on doing what I know I need to do – instead of waiting to feel it. Gah.

When I began this journey, it was hard but easy at the same time. I felt so incredibly awful that it was easy to grab onto something that made me feel better. But now that I feel mostly good, I’m getting lost without the obvious reminders. I never would’ve thought that it would be the middle of my story that would be the hardest part of this, but yet, here I am. Wallowing and floundering and only half way there.

I really don’t want to be taken out by the middle. That’s the best part of an Oreo and I’m going to turn it into the best part of my story too. I can do this.

What did these two weeks bring me?

  • A loss of 5 pounds last week, this week, I don’t know as I didn’t make it to my weigh-in. Sigh.
  • Almost 30″ lost now which means I need a new wardrobe, but I’m holding out a bit longer.
  • I ate jicama and turnips AND I liked them.
  • An aspartame induced three day long torture episode.
  • The packing and a move of a child out of my home.
  • The accidental but almost fatal poisoning by me – of our dog, who is absolutely fine now. Amen.
  • The discovery that I’m not doing as well as I thought I was.
  • Admitting and accepting that it’s okay to not be okay while knowing that I’m going to be more than okay in the end.
  • Calling the middle out for what it is, messy and rude.

 

**** I am still so very thrilled about being on Ideal Protein and following the plan. It’s made me more conscious of what I’m eating and/or not eating. It’s forcing me to eat for nutrition and not for convenience. I’m not struggling because of Ideal Protein, I’m struggling because of me. The Ideal Protein plan, my coach, the staff in my clinic, and the support that I’ve received have helped me in ways that I can never describe. Without them, I would’ve given up a long time ago and just fell back into my old ways. I can say, without hesitation that if you are ready to change your life & get healthy. Give this a try.  ****

WANT TO JOIN ME ON THIS JOURNEY? As always, remember that if you mention that you read my blog when you head into The Medicine Shoppe in Sherwood Park, they’ll take 50% off of your registration costs. Great savings!! If you want more info, send me a message and I’ll help you on your journey. Or you can reach out to the Coach here.